Malex’s Thoughts

Thanksgiving Day cheer! Sounds great, eh? And even Death seems to be getting in on it! Too bad people are too wrapped up in their own shallow, commercialized existence to care.

I actually have quite a bit to be thankful for this year! And, despite the obvious lead-in, I will not be elaborating!*

I love this episode, and I can’t quite explain why. Perhaps it’s because it’s an astonishingly good example of my own writing? Ahem, yes. Well, I’ll reign that in later.

You may not believe this, but I actually created Linus’s lines using the exact process described by Malex in the episode. I pulled up a popular web translator and fed his lines through an enormous loop of corruption, finally meandering back to something vaguely resembling English.

Every time we took that journey I had to gape at the results in astonishment. They were each like precious gifts from the machine! I barely had to do any editing, and that was mostly for punctuation! All I can say is that Peter and I were simply rocking with laughter.

Our vast storehouse of Malex Minute episodes has nearly dried up and I have a lot going on in my personal life right now. However, we’re taking steps to ensure that we don’t miss our weekly schedule. So, if all goes well, we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled madness next Friday.

All that aside, we really hope you enjoy this week’s episode!

ttyl

——Alex Markley

“Oh great. And now my gloves are on fire.”

* - Yay!

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

~~ A knock on the door.

Snufflefungus: Yes, hello?

Death: Snufflefungus, my dear friend!

Snufflefungus: (Happy) Death! It’s so good to see you!

Death: It’s good to see you too.

Snufflefungus: So what brings you here to the neighborhood, Death?

Death: Oh, I–

Snufflefungus: Were you looking for a house to buy? It’s a buyer’s market right now. At least, I think that’s what they say. You’d think it would be a house market, not a buyer’s market, but people come up with the funniest names! Like Daylight Savings Time. Whoever decided that it would be a good idea to call it Daylight Savings Time when all you’re really doing is lying to all the poor, innocent clocks in the world? I mean, if they’re going to call it something as grand as Daylight Savings Time, it should involve solar panels, you know?

Death: Yes, I agree. No, I’m not here to buy a house. I’m here because I have some vacation time, and I want you to help me spread Thanksgiving cheer and happiness to the city!

Snufflefungus: Really? Wow! You must really like your Thanksgiving Day cheer and happiness!

Death: Your kindness to me last year taught me that it was possible to find happiness wherever you look. Since then, I’ve been a completely different person! My days seem a little brighter, my horrifying rictus has been a bit more jolly, and even my job satisfaction has gone up substantially!

Snufflefungus: How gratifying!

Death: I usually spend my vacation time at home watching TV, but this year I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and really live!

Snufflefungus: Oh, Death, that’s so inspirational!

Death: So, would you like to come with me and spread this cheer?

Snufflefungus: Absolutely! But how?

Death: I had these Thanksgiving fliers printed up. We can pass them out in the mall.

Snufflefungus: Yay!

~~ Later…

Linus: Are you serious? That will segfault instantly! And to think I once respected you.

Malex: It’s just a typo, for crying out loud! Do you really have to be back seat driving while I’m programming?

Linus: I do when you’re programming a new module for my artificial intelligence matrix!

Malex: So it would be useless for me to tell you to go do something constructive? Like shoplifting for example?

Linus: Completely and utterly useless!

Malex: Alright, I think this is finished. You should be able to speak any language you want now! It will just automatically run your speech through an Internet translator. Go ahead and give it a try!

Linus: Hello! Only?! Because it still says I in English? However J it tries to speak in Spaniard!*

Malex: What?

Linus: Help! Exactly I cannot understand! I say deep nonsense!**

Malex: Hmm… Hold on, let me see if I can figure out what’s wrong.

Linus: That must make!***

Malex: That’s getting annoying. Just go back to speaking English until I work this out.

Linus: Your follies! J it tried of says to English this complete time! Something’s found terribly!****

Malex: What are you trying to say?

Linus: If in visual if it is? As I, the first time, you and it could not before do not think to say me it this finished?!*****

Malex: Oh! It’s stuck in a loop! It’s translating from English to Dutch to French to Portuguese back to English again. See? There’s the mistake right there. It’ll only take a minute to fix.

Linus: See, it is well for nominated.******

~~ Phone rings.

Linus: Me it has!*******

Malex: No, I’ll get it.

~~ Malex picks up the phone.

Malex: Yes? Hello, officer, what can I do for you? What? He’s doing what?! No, we’re leaving right now. We’ll meet you there.

Linus: It arrives!********

Malex: No time, we’ve gotta go get Snuffy.

~~ At the mall…

Snufflefungus: Here, ma’am, take one of these fliers! It’ll teach you how to be thankful!

Woman: Why thank you little one. I’ve always wondered how to be thankful!

Snufflefungus: Oh, sir? Sir! Would you like a flier? No? He needed a flier.

Death: Good day madam. Are you sufficiently thankful? Oh good. Take a flier, just in case.

Snufflefungus: Oh Death, this is so much fun! We’re spreading cheer and thankfulness everywhere we go!

Death: Oh yes, Snufflefungus, it’s so exhilarating!

Snufflefungus: Don’t miss that one!

Death: Good sir, would you take a flier?

Guy: Sure, what’s it about?

Death: It’s about the true meaning of Thanksgiving. I’m just trying to do my part to spread Thanksgiving Day cheer.

Guy: Really? I though it was some late Halloween thing or something. I mean, with you in that crazy getup and all.

Death: Crazy get–? No, this is my face. I’m Death, you know. The physical manifestation of the single most feared thing in all creation.

Guy: Oh.

Death: See? This is really me. (Chuckles) And let me tell you, they do not make enough lotion in the whole world to take care of this dryness.

Guy: Oh.

Death: Say, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?

Guy: I hope not.

Death: Oh, right. Um… You’d better take two of these fliers, for extra cheer. And be sure to have a happy Thanksgiving. That is to say, you should really make sure you enjoy yourself.

Guy: Oh.

Death: Have a nice day!

Snufflefungus: Gee, he ran away awfully fast!

Malex: Hey you guys!

Policeman: Stop! Police! I’ve got you surrounded! Drop the fliers and nobody gets hurt!

Snufflefungus: (Scared) Uh, Malex?

Malex: I don’t think that’s necessary, Joe. I’ve got it from here.

Snufflefungus: But we were just passing out fliers! Cheerful fliers!

Death: Yes, we just wanted to spread Thanksgiving Day cheer.

Malex: Oh, don’t worry about it. Somebody just saw Death and overreacted.

Snufflefungus: Oh.

Death: How predictable.

Malex: Let’s just be done with the fliers for now, okay?

Death: But I thought people would want to be thankful near Thanksgiving. Why wouldn’t they?

Malex: I think the moral of the story here is that people are always happier whining about the bad things in their lives rather than being thankful for the good.

Snufflefungus: But Malex, people have so many things to be thankful for, why can’t they just open their eyes and see them?

Malex: I don’t know, Snufflefungus. I don’t know.

Policeman: I know I’m not thankful for anything. My life stinks!

Malex: That’s… We just– (Sighs) Let’s go home, everybody.

Linus: That burrow as an excellent idea. I think us – house – would have to go it on the gift and any lives of this madness to prevent.*********

Snufflefungus: What?

Malex: Well Ladies and Gentlemen, that’s about all the time we have for today. Thanks for listening to our Malex Minute Quarter Eleven finale, and we desperately hope that none of these horrifying events ever take place again.

Linus: Not of the thing, child!**********

~~ End

* - Before translation: Hello! What?! Why am I still speaking in English? After all, I am trying to speak in Spanish.

** - Before translation: Help! Even I cannot understand myself! I am speaking a deep nonsense!

*** - Before translation: You had better do that!

**** - Before translation: You fool! I have been trying to speak English this entire time! Something is terribly wrong!

***** - Before translation: Are you so blind?! If I were able to say it properly the first time, do you not think I would have done so?

****** - Before translation: That is good to know.

******* - Before translation: I have got it.

******** - Before translation: What is going on?

********* - Before translation: That sounds like an excellent idea. I think we should all go home right now and avoid any more of this lunacy.

********** - Before translation: No kidding!

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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