Transcript

Nobody: New Intro

Malex: Hey everybody! Welcome to the Malex Minute! I'm Malex, and this is the last episode of the quarter!

Snufflefungus: And we all know what that means!

Linus: No, we don't all know what that means.

Snufflefungus: It means that it's time for a quarter finale!

Linus: Well duh. I thought you meant something specific.

Snufflefungus: I rarely do!

Malex: He's right though, this episode is the finale for the summer quarter!

Linus: Okay, so what do you have planned?

Malex: Planned?

Snufflefungus: Is something exciting going to happen?

Malex: Oh, I hope not. I thought we could just talk about PHP coding for a while, and maybe throw in a few exciting stories about things that have happened at MalexMedia.Net!

Linus: Please tell me you're kidding.

Malex: Uh, no. Why?

Snufflefungus: Malex, I hate to break it to you, but you're a pretty bad radio show host.

Linus: Yeah, let's just alienate our listeners and bore them to death with your inane ramblings.

Malex: Well... If you, you know, have a better idea, I'd love to hear it.

Linus: Oh no you don't, you're not going to drag me into being responsible for this mess.

Snufflefungus: I know! We can play cards!

Malex: What?

Linus: Play cards?

Snufflefungus: Yeah! Like Euchre! I like Euchre!

Malex: I like playing Euchre, but don't you think an audio broadcast of it would be a little boring?

Snufflefungus: Well maybe they can follow along with their own deck of cards!

Linus: I think you need your little Snuffy brain checked.

Snufflefungus: (Challenging) Oh yeah?! (Thoughtful) I wonder where I would go to have that done?

Linus: Preferably an unlicensed dentist. I hear they have this wonderful habit of not sterilizing their tools.

Malex: Linus, don't make me come over there.

Linus: What are you gonna do about it, fat boy? Blubber me to death?

Malex: I might just remove your battery for a while. Unless you want to quit being abrasive.

Linus: Me? Quit being abrasive?! That's like asking a traffic light to change in your favor! Like asking water to stop being wet! Like asking the moon to stop smirking at you! It's just never gonna happen!

Snufflefungus: The moon is smirking at me?! I always thought he was a genuinely happy fellow!

Malex: Okay, well if you guys don't have any better ideas for an agenda, I would like to go ahead with mine.

Linus: Whatever...

Malex: Well, first, I would like to make an exciting announcement!

Snufflefungus: I like exciting announcements!

Malex: We've finally opened the MalexMedia.Net online store! We've got the best products we could manufacture at the lowest prices we could manage!

Snufflefungus: Is that why my bedroom is suddenly full of CDs and stuff?

Linus: Yes, Snuffy, it is.

Malex: Wait... Snuffy, you're sleeping in the closet?

Snufflefungus: Is that what that is? Well... I claimed it for my bedroom.

Malex: Oh, sorry...

Snufflefungus: Hey everybody out there in podcast land... Please buy lots of stuff, so I can have my bedroom back!

Linus: Well that was all very disturbing.

Malex: You want disturbing? Listen to that.

Snufflefungus: It's you! Little Red Riding Squirrel!

LRRS: You stupid furball, you ruined my entrance! Now I'll have to do it all over again!

Malex: Oh no you don't! If you turn around, you'd better not come back! Just you speak your peace and leave us to ours.

Linus: Little Red Riding Squirrel, if you take my personality again, I will haunt you until the day you die. Do you have any idea how horrible it is to be haunted by a floating laptop head? Do you?!

LRRS: Don't worry, silly laptop boy. I will not take your personality.

Snufflefungus: What _do_ you want, Little Red Riding Squirrel?

LRRS: I am here to inform you that you all have to go on another quest.

Malex: _Another_ quest?! I thought we went over the whole "I don't want to do this ever again" thing _last_ time!

LRRS: Yes, but this time, Jeffrey has really decided that he wants to be your arch-nemesis, and he's been given more power over his alternate dimensions. His creations can actually cause you physical pain now! Isn't it wonderful?!

Malex: What in the world would possess us to enter one of these sadistic quests again?!

LRRS: We have kidnapped Echofly, and the only way to get her back is to go through with the quest!

Snufflefungus: What is an "Echofly"?

Linus: Don't fall for it, Malex! It's a trap!

Malex: I don't believe it.

LRRS: Here, I will show you!

Echofly: Hello? Is anybody there?! What's going on!?

Malex: Echofly! Is it really you?! What have they done to you!?

Echofly: Malex?! Is that you?! I'm suspended in some sort of... void! Get me out of here, quick!

LRRS: So there, you see?

Malex: (Menacing) Little Red Riding Squirrel, if you harm her, I will rip off that mangy tail of yours and tickle you with it until you laugh yourself to death.

LRRS: Oh don't fret yourself. She won't come to harm if you just follow through with the quest.

Malex: Well I guess we don't have much choice, do we. Let's go.

Nobody: (Scene change.)

Slammin': So there you all are! Finally! I have captured Princess Echofly in stone, and you will never free her! (Laughs evilly.)

Malex: I thought she was suspended in a void.

Slammin': Well, it's a very stony void.

Linus: Don't you have some soap operas to watch?

Slammin': Yeah, but this is more fun now that there's a Princess involved! Anyway, I'm off! See you at the castle.

Snufflefungus: Linus! You're shaped like a person again! You're not a laptop!

Malex: I told you before, this is some kind of abstracted reality. Our minds are in here, but not our bodies.

Linus: That's right, stupid Snufflefungus.

Snufflefungus: So what you're saying is... Linus secretly thinks of himself as a human?

Malex: I- Hey! I never thought of that.

Linus: Shut up, furball!

Sheep: Baa! (Chomp)

Linus: (Screams)

Snufflefungus: (Laughs) The sheep just bit you!

Malex: Jeffrey sure does love the little sheepies.

Linus: (Gasps) Physical pain!

Malex: Oh that's right. Jeffrey's alternate reality can actually hurt us now, so we'll need to be on our toes.

Snufflefungus: Let's head toward the village and equip ourselves!

Malex: Alright...

Villager: There you all are! Thank the heavens you've returned, Snufflefungus the Great! The sky has been black, and the rivers run red with blood!

Snufflefungus: What? Blood?!

Villager: Yes! Why, just the other day, I was stabbed in the hand by a wooden spear! See?!

Malex: That's a splinter.

Villager: It's bloody painful!

Snufflefungus: Haven't you guys ever experienced pain before?

Villager: Not really. Of course, people died occasionally, but that was usually only because of the flying rhinoceroses... Nothing like this has ever happened before!

Linus: You know, you might just have to get over it. I hear the guy who runs this place figured out how to make it a lot more realistic, so I'm guessing pain will be commonplace from now on.

Villager: So if you're not here to vanquish the pain, why have you returned?

Malex: We're actually here for a friend of mine.

Snufflefungus: Who is Echofly, anyway?

Linus: Oh, just Malex's girlfriend.

Malex: Shut up, you little twerp. She was my _friend_, and I just wanted to help her.

Linus: Okay, whatever.

Villager: I can see you need to work out some anger there. Here, I've been saving your equipment for the day you return. Take it with my blessing.

Snufflefungus: My sword! My shield!

Malex: Ah, the bow and arrows!

Linus: Aw, don't I get anything?

Malex: Thank you, sir. Let's head to the castle!

Villager: Good luck there!

Linus: So you guys came through here to rescue me, right?

Snufflefungus: It was so fun! We met all kinds of interesting people!

Linus: Like that guy running toward us?

Malex: No, I don't think we ever met anyone as interesting as him. Gee, he's running awfully fast.

Screaming Running Man: (Screams a lot.)

Snufflefungus: I think he wants us to follow him!

Linus: What is it boy? Is Timmy in the well?!

Screaming Running Man: (Screams some more.)

Malex: Okay, let's see what he wants.

Nobody: (Inside Mayrup's hut. Our heroes enter.)

Mayrup: Ah, gentlemen. I've been expecting you. My name is Mayrup the Witch.

Malex: Whoa, Nelly! I mean, um, it's a pleasure to meet you.

Linus: What do you want with us?!

Snufflefungus: I'm not good to eat, I promise!

Mayrup: Don't be silly. I heard about your quest, and I think you'll need some of this potion.

Malex: Not to belittle you and your whole life, but I think you're crazy, and I doubt that your potion will do anything but make us sick to our stomachs.

Mayrup: (Command) Observe! (As if calling a person.) Fool!

Screaming Running Man: (Screams in response.)

Mayrup: Drink this!

Screaming Running Man: (Screams, gargles.) I say, I feel much better now! Thank you very much!

Snufflefungus: Wow! That stuff is amazing! I want some!

Mayrup: Thirty gems and it's yours.

Linus: Does anybody but me think this is a horrible idea?

Malex: Mayrup, we don't have any money.

Mayrup: Then come back when you do! Proceeding without a potion is an extremely bad idea!

Snufflefungus: Aw, but how will we make some money?

Mayrup: Head back to the village. I'm sure you'll figure something out.

Nobody: (Back at the village.)

Villager: So, you need money, eh? Well let's see... I suppose you could cut my grass with that sword of yours.

Linus: Would that be worth thirty gems?

Villager: How should I know?

Malex: I think my friend wants to know how much you'll pay us to cut your grass.

Villager: Me pay you? Have you the madness?

Malex: I like to think not...

Snufflefungus: Hey guys, look! I just swiped at the grass and money came out!

Linus: Well I'm at a loss for words...

Malex: Oh, how I wish that were true.

Snufflefungus: Here are the thirty gems! Let's get the potion!

Villager: Good luck again!

Malex: Now we just need to find our way back to Mayrup's hut.

Linus: I know where it is, come on.

Snufflefungus: I can't wait to get the potion! Maybe I can pour it on myself and grow some arms!

Malex: No, I think we'll save the potion for... some other time.

Linus: Here it is. What did I tell you?

Mayrup: Back so soon?

Snufflefungus: Here's the money! May we have some potion now?

Mayrup: Here it is.

Malex: Thanks. Let's go guys.

Mayrup: Wait! Heed my warning!

Linus: Warning?

Mayrup: (Dramatic) Beware... The Pulp. (Pause) In the potion.

Everyone: Oh.

Malex: Uh, thanks.

Linus: Lets... go.

Malex: So we're back on track to the castle. We've got arrows to let down the drawbridge, and we know of this nifty fire exit that we can use to bypass all of the wonderful traps in the castle.

Snufflefungus: We're ready to rock and roll!

Linus: Guys... Who are they?

Malex: That looks like that annoying guard fellow from last time.

Snufflefungus: And he's brought 8-foot-tall helpers with him!

Guard: You again! I knew I'd find you here!

Malex: Hey whoa, we don't want any trouble.

Guard: What? You don't?

Linus: No, we don't want any trouble. We just want to confront your master and set his castle ablaze with the fire of defeat!

Guard: Get 'em!

Linus: Oh no! No! Arrgh! I'm getting crushed over here! Help!

Snufflefungus: Why are they only attacking Linus?

Malex: I don't know, but we've got to save him. I'll shoot arrows, you poke them with your sword!

Snufflefungus: No wait! I have a better idea!

Malex: What's that?

Snufflefungus: Ha-ya!

Guard: Arrgh! Run away, run away!

Malex: Amazing! Was that a PSI power? What do you call that?!

Snufflefungus: I call it the Flaming Spatula Maneuver.

Linus: God save my little broken body!

Malex: Holy cow, Linus, are you alright?!

Linus: I think all of me is accounted for, although not all of me is connected.

Snufflefungus: It's time for some potion!

Linus: Do you think it'll work?

Malex: I don't, but it can't hurt, can it?

Snufflefungus: Bottom's up!

Linus: Arrgh! The pulp! It burns!

Malex: There there, you're looking better already!

Snufflefungus: Let's keep pressing on toward the castle!

Nobody: (Meanwhile, at the castle.)

Slammin': Look, look! This is the best part!

Echofly: It's a soap opera! What are you trying to do, torture me?!

Slammin': Shh!

Snufflefungus: Hey, everybody!

Linus: Did we miss anything?

Malex: No, it looks like we're just in time for the butt-kickin'.

Echofly: Finally! What took you guys so long?!

Malex: It's something of a long story...

Slammin': Hey! You guys just keep interrupting the good part of my soap opera here!

Malex: Oh, I'm so sorry, is my rescue attempt bothering you?

Snufflefungus: Maybe if you just let Echofly go, you could get right back to watching your soap opera!

Slammin': No, there's only one thing I like more than soap operas, and that's kidnapping princesses! I guess it's just an evil warlord thing...

Linus: Wow, that potion really works! I'm feeling better than ever! Hey, Slammin', remember me you ugly beast?! You humiliated me by beating me in chess, and you've caused me no end of trouble!

Malex: Linus, what are you doing?

Linus: And you stink! Did you know that? Take that, you stinky, ugly monster! Take that!

Snufflefungus: Linus, you really shouldn't be kicking his shins. That's probably bad.

Slammin': I'm going to teach you a lesson, stupid!

Linus: (Screams) Oh no, not again! My body doesn't bend that way! I can't handle the pain!

Snufflefungus: Linus! I'll save you!

Malex: Echofly, are you okay?!

Echofly: OH, concern, eh? First you get me sucked into this mess, and then you want to know if I'm okay?!

Malex: You know, it wasn't my fault. They sought you out... I'm sorry...

Echofly: You know I'm grateful for all your help years ago. You really showed me that there was something better than the darkness I was in. You found me a job and made me stick to it. You found me an apartment and protected me from my past until I grew past it. But at the same time, your life is just too insane! The madness in your life causes everyone around you pain and sorrow!

Malex: Is that why you quit talking to me? Why you changed your phone number and left the state without a word?

Echofly: You vanished to some God-forsaken alien planet for months! What was I supposed to do?

Linus: Malex! There's very little left of my body for Slammin' to break! A little help?

Snufflefungus: Hey, my sword doesn't break Slammin's skin no matter how hard I try!

Malex: Hey Slammin'! Look over here!

Slammin': Hmm?

Malex: Looks like your soap opera is about to end... in a conveniently-placed pit of lava!

Slammin': Not my television! No!

Malex: (Grunt of exertion.) Yes!

Slammin': My soap operas! No!

Snufflefungus: Wow, Slammin' just dove into a pit of lava just to save his doomed television!

Echofly: Why does he even have a pit of lava in here?

Malex: I'm sure it's an evil warlord thing.

Linus: Hey guys... I've been mutilated. Is there any more potion?

Snufflefungus: Sorry, fresh out!

Linus: Well get some more! The pain!

Malex: Hey, look at the time, Ladies and Gentlemen! Our time is up for sure. Thank you for listening, and we hope you'll join us again next week on The Malex Minute!

Nobody: New Ending

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