Malex's Thoughts

It's kinda blowing my mind, but I'm actually beginning to write these Malex Minute episodes earlier and earlier. As in, not at the very screaming last minute. In fact, the wheels of the entire production are beginning to turn faster and more smoothly.

Almost as if we knew what we were doing...

I'm terribly embarrassed to admit how many things from this week's episode are based on reality. The one thing I'll verify in public is that the Malex Media Network™ has indeed purchased some studio-grade, professional AV equipment.

The first thing we purchased is a Canon XH-A1 HDV camera. It's capable of 1080 rows of horizontal resolution and 1920 columns of vertical resolution. I estimate that, when compared to our old wide-screen SD projects, this new camera is capable of capturing over 14 times the information.

As for other features, it's capable of a wide variety of frame rate and interlacing options, it has a professional-grade lens assembly, it's got 3 CCD sensors for astonishing color reproduction, and it has two XLR inputs just for us pro audio buffs!

Speaking of XLR inputs, we sprang for a nice little super cardioid shotgun mic and a boompole to mount it. See, one of the things about amateur and "prosumer" video projects is that the audio is pretty universally neglected. In fact, bad audio is practically the distinguishing factor between an amateur-feeling production and a production which could pass as professional. And as an audio freak, it grates on me to no end.

So, needless to say, we've got some powerful new toys to play with, and you may rest assured: we will be playing.

Have a good week! ttyl

--Alex Markley

"Look, I'm tired of arguing about it. If the cat wants the mayonnaise, that's fine. I don't even care anymore. But you tell him, if he wants that mayonnaise he's going to have to fly upstate and come get it himself!"

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Snufflefungus: Welcome to the Malex Minute everybody! Me and piggy are hosting the show today!

Linus: I am too you know.

Snufflefungus: Of course! This is my friend Linus! The less famous and less well-loved of us, but he's not all bad once you get to know him!

Linus: But... Snuffy, aren't we best friends?

Snufflefungus: Oh yeah! I forgot.

Linus: Ladies and Gents, Malex has been on the phone for seven hours now.

Snufflefungus: On hold!

Linus: His face is ashen, and he hasn't responded to external stimuli for about an hour.

Malex: (Gurgles.)

Snufflefungus: We're not sure if we should qualify that sort of sound as a response or not.

Linus: I don't think so, it seems too random.

Snufflefungus: See, Malex has been trying to buy a professional, studio-grade video camera for the past week!

Linus: Yes, we're tired of having to rely on the terrible standard-definition stuff you find at electronics retailers for $200, and at thrift stores for $5.

Snufflefungus: Yeah, I wanna tape my shows!

Linus: Snuffy, you don't tape shows with a camera, you tape them with a VCR or a DVD recorder!

Snufflefungus: Not at the theater you don't!

Linus: What?!

~~ Malex is taken off-hold, and the phone is answered.

Johnny John Johnson: Thank You for Calling Trustworthy Camera Supplies: Your Trusted Source for Trusty Cameras and Every Other Expensive Thing. Trust us! Trusting Customers Say We're Trustworthy!

Malex: Yes! Hello! I've been trying to reach a person at your company for the last day.

Johnny John Johnson: Well this just might be your lucky day! Here I am!

Malex: Yeah. That's not arrogant or rude at all.

Johnny John Johnson: Thanks! So what can't we do for you today?

Malex: Well, I saw that you have the best price listed for the Canon XH-A1 professional video camera, so I tried to place an order online.

Johnny John Johnson: Yeah, okay, I totally understand that...

Malex: Right, $1,000 for a $4,000 camera is quite a deal. So when I placed the order, it gave me a total that didn't include shipping. I expected the shipping to be added later in the checkout process, so I gave it my credit card number.

Johnny John Johnson: Yup, yup. You did the right thing sir.

Malex: I'm so glad to hear you say that. So anyway, after I put in my credit card number, it asked if I wanted to ship the camera to my house, or if I wanted to pick it up in Antarctica.

Johnny John Johnson: And?

Malex: Well, I want it shipped of course.

Johnny John Johnson: Okay, yup. That makes tons of sense.

Malex: I should hope so. Anyway, after that, it informed me that the shipping would be $675 to any state except Ohioville, which just happens to be the state that I live in.

Johnny John Johnson: Oh yeah, our carrier has some bizarre special exception for Ohioville. I don't know why.

Malex: Right, so it claimed that shipping to Ohioville would be $1,075.

Johnny John Johnson: Too bad, I know.

Malex: Then it asked me if I wanted a battery for the camera.

Johnny John Johnson: Completely optional, of course.

Malex: For $400.

Johnny John Johnson: Those batteries, so expensive!

Malex: It further claimed that no battery comes with the camera. Which goes completely contrary to the manufacturer's specifications.

Johnny John Johnson: Well, we have a special arrangement.

Malex: And the specifications listed on your own site.

Johnny John Johnson: Well, see, the specifications on our site are after all the optional upgrades.

Malex: Right, of course.

Johnny John Johnson: I'm glad you understand, sir.

Malex: So then, after I declined to add a battery to my order, it asked if I wanted the manual.

Johnny John Johnson: Yes?

Malex: For $123.95.

Johnny John Johnson: Yes.

Malex: I declined.

Johnny John Johnson: Whatever you say, sir.

Malex: Then it asked if I wanted the power cord for $560. I declined that as well.

Johnny John Johnson: Sir, I must interrupt. I'm a very busy man. You have the option to accept or decline all the optional upgrades. What do you need from me?

Malex: Well, see, after I declined all of those things, it asked if I wanted the camera.

Johnny John Johnson: Yes?

Malex: For an additional $8,965.

Johnny John Johnson: Another optional upgrade. I'm sure you understand. So what do you need from me?

Malex: Well, since I declined that option too, I'm just very curious to know what I just paid $2,075 for?

Johnny John Johnson: An empty cardboard box with a very pretty Canon logo on it, sir.

Malex: So, my entire two-thousand dollar order consists of an empty box?

Johnny John Johnson: With a pretty logo, yes sir.

Malex: Well, I'm sure you're a very busy man, so I won't take up too much more of your time. I just wanted to ask if you'd do me a favor.

Johnny John Johnson: What's that sir?

Malex: Take that order...

Johnny John Johnson: Yes?

Malex: ...and you CANCEL IT!!! (screams)

Johnny John Johnson: Sure thing, sir. Whatever you want. Oh, and I just thought you should know...

Malex: What?

Johnny John Johnson: Well, I remember you from the pager incident. (From way back in Malex Minute 015. --Alex)

Malex: What?! (shaky voice) Is this...

Johnny John Johnson: Johnny John Johnson, sir. And I must say, I expected you to attempt something like this.

Malex: I- I mean- I didn't-

Johnny John Johnson: So I took the liberty of calling the Big Men with Clubs and hiring another batch of them to come beat you up and take your soul.

Malex: But I-

Johnny John Johnson: And I hope you don't mind, but I used your credit card to pay for it.

Malex: (still shaky voice) Now, you see here-

Johnny John Johnson: I must inform you, they were quite excited by the prospect of getting another chance to take revenge on you. They still haven't forgotten the sacrifices of their fallen comrades - the Big Men with Clubs previously sent to take blunt revenge out on you.

Malex: You're a monster!

Johnny John Johnson: Thank you, sir.

Malex: I'm going to hang up now.

Johnny John Johnson: One last thing, sir.

Malex: What's that?

Johnny John Johnson: I routed this call through every single third-world country before picking it up. It's costing you something in the neighborhood of five-hundred million dollars a minute.

Malex: Goodbye.

~~ Malex hangs up.

Linus: Look! The dead awakes!

Snufflefungus: What was that all about, Malex?

Malex: I had to cancel that camera order. That place is too shady to do business with.

Snufflefungus: Oh, that's too bad.

Linus: You want me to place an order with a more reputable retailer which might cost more at first glance, but will be better value in the long run?

Malex: Sure, here's my credit card.

Linus: I won't be a moment.

Snufflefungus: Malex, why do you seem so sad?

Malex: No reason, Snuffy. We just might have to leave the country again.

Snufflefungus: Oh. (Disappointed.)

Malex: Or the planet.

Snufflefungus: Oh... (More disappointed.)

Linus: Malex? They're saying that your credit card was declined.

Malex: WHAT?! That card has a credit limit of $11,000 dollars!

Linus: Your bank said it had something to do with a nine-thousand dollar payment to the Association of Big Men and Clubbing Guild. Any idea what that's all about?

Snufflefungus: Yeah, what's that all about?

Malex: Ladies and Gentlemen, looks like that's about all we have time for today. Hope you enjoyed yourself and will join us again next week for another Malex Minute!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley.

Writers: Alex Markley and Fopsworth.

Voices: Markley Brothers.

Post-processing director: Fopsworth.

Illustration: Quartz

Release manager: Quartz

Recording assistance: Leela.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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