Malex's Thoughts

It all started out simply enough... We couldn't think of anything to write for the Malex Minute. So we decided to improvise the whole thing!

Essentially what you hear is what you get. We cut out some meaningless rambling, but most everything you hear is the first take of whatever popped into our crazy little minds.

As you can see, we all harbor deep hatred and fear toward Little Red Riding Squirrel.

And why not? After all...

I feel almost sorry for the poor people who sent us that letter... Rest assured, if we make fun of your letter, it is not a reflection on you as a person. It's more a reflection on us as complete and utter societal rejects.

I should also point out, this is the first time we ever tried something as completely unwise as improvising an entire episode during an off-the-cuff recording session. Even better, we had all forgotten about M and C's suggestion about "more random stuff with just you guys and no script" long before we decided to improvise an entire episode.

So when we encountered that same suggestion during our first improvisation session ever... You can imagine we were pretty shocked. And, due to the nature of improvisation, you can hear that same shock in our voices!

Rock on.

Finally, Fopsworth (Linus) finally has his own email address, so you can send him stuff and pester him.

He likes that.

Until next time, ttyl!

--Alex Markley

“If anybody finds this... I only wanted to dance!”

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

LRRS: Welcome to the Malex Minute studio, This is where the magic happens when recording Malex Minute episode 86 today. So, I need you two to go over the script, and I will go get you a copy of the script. Thank you very much, I'll be right back.

Snufflefungus: Is he stupid?

Malex: I think it might be possible. So, yeah. Twiddle our thumbs for a while.

Snufflefungus: Right.

Malex: So how's your week, Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: Well, it was crap. Why do want to know, sicko?

Malex: Because we work together and occasionally colleagues develop a repertoire where they can actually work together without hating one another.

Snufflefungus: How weird. Must be a culture thing.

Malex: Yes, it's possible.

Linus: Hey guys! Got some meringue pie! Lemon meringue pie!

Malex: That's, uh... I think that's against the rules, but uh... Well I, you know... Little Red Riding Squirrel is something of a Nazi.

Linus: Oh, that. Well, uh, you guys want a slice?

Malex: Yeah, before he comes back, sure.

Snufflefungus: I would like my tonic water instead!

Malex: Well that's not our responsibility, you'll have to talk to Little Red Riding Squirrel about that.

Linus: Oh, yeah yeah. Sorry.

Snufflefungus: Yeah.

Linus: I have tea!

Malex: Why do you have such a huge contract, anyway?

Snufflefungus: Me??

Malex: Yeah. I mean, honestly. Like, you have so many demands.

Snufflefungus: I need to be able to work! Okay?

Malex: No it's alright, I didn't wanna, you know... It wasn't supposed to be like a confrontation or anything, just... I was just wondering-

Snufflefungus: Well then don't confront me!

Malex: Okay, I'm sorry, so sorry.

Linus: We respect you, Snufflefungus. We do.

Snufflefungus: Thank you!

Malex: A little bit. We respect you a little bit.

Linus: Would you like some tea?

LRRS: Hey everybody, guess what! The script isn't ready yet. We're still working on it. Um, so I want you to rehearse anyway, And uh, I'll be back with the script later! Bye bye!

Snufflefungus: Rehearse what?

Malex: He's already gone. ...Well we could just do what we normally do.

Snufflefungus: We normally read lines from the script!

Malex: That's true.

Linus: Would anyone like some tea?

Snufflefungus: What, are you from Europe or something?

Malex: Where did you get tea, honestly?

Linus: What? Well, I made it!

Malex: I mean, I'll take some! I'm-

Linus: I have this plant in the backyard that, it's like, really... I mean, it's... yeah.

Snufflefungus: Oh goodness.

Linus: And it's roots are just like... Anyways, do you want some tea?

Malex: Sure, thanks.

Malex: So anyway, um... How was your week, Linus?

Linus: Oh, yeah, it was fantastic! We went to the movies, and ate some burgers and everything. There's this new joint in town by the way, and um... You're staring at me oddly.

Malex: You're talking; we're looking at you.

Linus: Um... You're staring at me.

Malex: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I forgot, you have that... thing.

Snufflefungus: I don't know how you guys could possibly find what you're saying interesting.

Malex: You're right, it's not interesting. Cause there's no script!

Linus: Well, at least we're trying, eh Snufflefungus?

Malex: Yeah, I don't know what... You don't have to be so negative all the time.

Snufflefungus: It's in my rider!

Malex: Okay, yes yes, that's true. Um, you know, I was just gonna point out, I mean... Your character is really cute. I mean it's... People like that.

Snufflefungus: (Cute) Hi everybody, I'm the Snufflefungus!

Malex: There we go, see that's nice! People- Likable people like likable people.

Snufflefungus: (Bitter) They better. I try hard enough.

Linus: You know what, it's twice as hard being mean.

Snufflefungus: I... I disagree.

Malex: Linus has a card, he's gotta be mean all the time, and it just- It's just not in his personality.

Linus: Yeah, I don't get like love mails, or anything.

Malex: That's true. That is true.

Linus: I mean, not that I-

LRRS: Hey everybody! We were still working on the script, and then we realized we wrote the whole thing backwards so we had to delete it and try it again!

Linus: What?! You could have printed it out and just given it to us!

LRRS: No, no, we deleted it.

Linus: What?! Some of us are left-handed, you dumb, furry beast!

Malex: Yeah, that was really stupid.

LRRS: It's okay, I'm the director. So it doesn't matter what I do, you have to agree! Ha ha ha!

Linus: Direct yourself elsewhere!

Snufflefungus: What about my tonic water??

LRRS: Oh- uh... I gave it to the fat guy! It was in his rider! His contract is more strict than yours is!

Snufflefungus: What does he do?

LRRS: I dunno.

Snufflefungus: Why can't you fire him? I need tonic water!

LRRS: I'm sorry. You can just do without!

Linus: Hey, hey uh... LRRS, would you like some meringue pie? I mean, you know, this, right here? That I'm smearing on the wall?

LRRS: Whoa! That's, uh, not good for the studio times!

Linus: Ha ha! No it isn't!

LRRS: That's not good, ooh boy, that's so not- okay! I'll have some!

Malex: He licked it right off the wall.

Linus: That was-

LRRS: I'll be back with the script laters! Bye!

Snufflefungus: You know I bet that sponge of rabies isn't even working on the script. He's just putting us on.

Malex: Yeah.

Linus: Um... That's disturbing imagery.

Malex: Yeah, well, he does have a point. It's not as if... I mean just, I- Not that- I'm not the kind of person to say bad things about other people, but that squirrel-

~~ CENSORED

Malex: -in my book.

Linus: Oh! I see! Well...

Malex: It's just- I mean, honestly? So far his direction has been mediocre, script writing has been... The dialogue is cliched, okay?

Snufflefungus: Yeah.

Linus: Ooh, wow.

Malex: It really is. And our characters? I mean Snufflefungus has a point, we're being typecast.

Linus: Well maybe we should take the reigns ourselves. I mean, do we have anything we can put into this episode?

Snufflefungus: I don't trust you-

Malex: Actually, actually wait wait, yeah we do. Cause I got a letter, and I happened to print out three copies here. Cause... It was addressed to me. And I just show it off.

Linus: Wait a second, you're gonna let us read your mail?

Malex: Well, it is kind of to us as characters, but I mean it was sent to me because I'm obviously the most important.

Snufflefungus: Oh, right, right, right! You wanna drive the show!

Linus: Oh my goodness!

Malex: No, you know I'm just saying, I'm just saying...

Linus: I see you've had your arrogant shot today.

Malex: You know what, it's okay, I'll take my letter back then.

Snufflefungus: You said that my character is likable!

Malex: You don't need them! You don't need letters. That's it.

Linus: You know what?

Malex: Shut up.

Snufflefungus: Your character is self-inflated!

Malex: Okay, fine.

Snufflefungus: That's not likable!

Malex: Alright, you're right. You're right. I'm sorry. Here- here-

Linus: Okay wait, wait. Yeah, we need to be nice.

Malex: These are addressed to all of us because we're all equals.

Snufflefungus: Thank you!

Linus: Yes, we all need to take deep breaths, and focus.

Malex: Okay, I'm sorry. Okay. So, I'll just read it, because it was addressed to me. And, it says: Hi, I'm- Uh, should we be reading real names?

Linus: Could you start with like, the first sentence?

Malex: It says the follow message was sent by someone visiting MalexMedia.Net.

Linus: Thank you.

Malex: That's part of- It's not part of the body of the email.

Linus: Eh, you forgot the colon.

Malex: Colon.

Linus: Yes.

Malex: Hi, comma, I'm a name starting with M! And my cousin, a name starting with C, and I have a few questions for you guys, exclamation point, no space, will you answer these on air?

Linus: Um, question. Uh, are you gonna give the genders? Cause that might be important.

Snufflefungus: The genders don't seem to be important with Little Red Riding Squirrel over there.

Malex: Androgynous little script-stealing person.

Snufflefungus: Script-kitty.

Malex: Wow, that's horrible.

Linus: What? He's a squirrel, sir.

Snufflefungus: Script squirrel then.

LRRS: I hear you over there! And I just wanna tell you I like it!

Malex: Oh, that's so distressing. Okay, um... Hi! I'm M, and my cousin C and I have a few questions for you guys.

Linus: You forgot the comma.

Malex: Comma. Hi comma, I'm M, and my cousin-

Snufflefungus: Look, this is ridiculous! Stop it!

Malex: I'm reading the letter, okay? Cousin is misspelled. Just so you know.

Snufflefungus: Yeah, you're not reading the text.

Malex: It's C-O-U-S-I-N, not C-O-U-I-S-N.

Linus: Yeah, I mean...

Snufflefungus: Look, are you gonna pick apart the grammar of people-

Malex: I- I'm sorry, it's my nature to-

Linus: Do you have something better to do, fuzzball?

Snufflefungus: How about read the content?!

Linus: Fine, you moldy soccer thing.

Malex: Okay um... Alright, uh... It says for Malex: Should I read- It might be a dirty word, I don't even know what this means.

Linus: Um, it's probably an acronym for some-

Malex: Okay, no no, I- You know what, where skipping that part.

Linus: Okay, fine.

Malex: We have a few suggestions for the show. Is this... Wait, is this extortion?

Linus: What- What's extortion?

Snufflefungus: Just read it!

Malex: Okay, point one: we would like to see one episode where you are hyper, heh heh heh. Oh dear, is it- They- Do they have dirt on us?

Linus: You forgot the dots.

Malex: What are they...?

Linus: Um...

Malex: Are they trying- What- Okay...

Linus: I'm hyper Linus.

Snufflefungus: Actually, I'd like to see that too.

Linus: Like Ultra-Snuffy. That would be funny.

Malex: I am not gonna be hyper. What is- Okay, you know what? This- This suggestion is going under wraps, because guess what? Last time we had something like this, Little Red Riding Squirrel injected us with chemicals.

Linus: Wait, but can't we-

Malex: It was so unethical, okay?

Linus: Yeah, I remember that.

Snufflefungus: That's true.

Malex: I felt so weird for like the next six months. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.

Linus: But- but- can't... I mean, we're actors though. This is a hill we can surmount.

Malex: With chemicals.

Linus: No!

Snufflefungus: (Laughs)

Linus: No no, for instance. Hyper Linus!

Malex: No, you know what? You- You know what? You and your past, you can just leave that behind.

Linus: Fine.

Malex: Okay

Linus: But- but- I could try Hyper Linus!

Malex: Point number two: episode where Linus is hyper. What is it with hyper?! Oh my gosh! It's-

Linus: Yeah, like like, whee! I'm hyper!

Malex: Yeah, okay. Stop. No, stop.

LRRS: I hear that! It sounds like good ideas!

Malex: Oh, dear. Okay, um... One episode where Snuffy is depressed. Is that possible? Wow.

Linus: Well of course.

Malex: Yeah, seriously.

Linus: Yeah you guys need to see him, like driving.

Malex: Yeah.

Snufflefungus: Do you guys spy on me?

Malex: No, seriously.

Snufflefungus: That's creepy.

Linus: No... We have better things to do, okay?

Malex: Yeah, we just- we know you well enough to know depression is well within the realm of possibility.

Snufflefungus: Get away from me, you sickos.

Linus: You're the fungus.

Malex: Okay, one where Snuffy learns to play the piano with his mind.

Snufflefungus: I already do that. I know some bar songs.

Linus: Oh, no no no no, no. No bar songs. This is a children's show, remember?

Malex: It is?

Linus: Well- I thought! You pansy!

LRRS: No it's not, we got all kinds of peoples listening to the show!

Linus: Oh my goodness. And we're gonna offend all of them, aren't we?

Malex: Okay, no we do not need to be that offensive. Seriously.

Snufflefungus: Oh- Oh, I have an idea for a game! One of us will come up with uh, like, some slang, and the rest of us will try to guess what people group that slang is referring to!

Malex: Oh wow. Oh- Oh my goodness.

Linus: Uh...

Snufflefungus: I- I have one! Beans and franks!

Linus: Oh my goodness...

Malex: No, we're not- We're not doing this game! We're not doing this game...

Linus: Wait, I think I have an idea of what that-

Malex: No! Stop! Don't, okay seriously, shut up.

Linus: What? I thought-

Malex: Point number five: we'd like to hear more random stuff with just you guys and no script.

Linus: He he. He he.

Malex: That's so creepy.

Linus: So funny.

Malex: Yeah, okay that's never ever gonna happen.

Linus: Yeah, we need to-

Malex: Question and answer for Linus...

Linus: What? Wait a second, they have an answer to their own question? Why'd they email it?

Malex: Alright, we'll skip that part.

Linus: Yeah. Thanks.

Malex: Uh... How old are you?

Linus: No wait wait wait I wanna hear this.

Malex: What?

Linus: No, the real question.

Malex: What question? They already answered it!

Linus: What? No! They don't know that though.

Malex: But why did they say it if they didn't know that they answered their own question?

Linus: The audience doesn't know it!

Malex: But we can do that. It's okay. Okay, um... Answer: You always say that no one listens to the Malex Minute. We do, Chris and I are avid listeners. Ha. You've been proven wrong.

Linus: You misspelled you. It's-

Malex: Actually no, it is spelled correctly, it's just there are too many capital letters in it.

Linus: Yes. There are too many capital letters in it.

Malex: It's okay, though.

Snufflefungus: Guys, this is so boring.

Malex: Okay, uh... For Snuffy: Can you swim?

Snufflefungus: Well, um...

Linus: You can swim "well?" I- I mean I can hardly imagine this, since you don't have any arms or legs to speak of.

Malex: Course, you can't really speak for the character either, cause, I mean, you're not the script writer. Not that Little Red Riding Squirrel is the script writer, cause, quite frankly, that's a horrifying prospect.

Linus: Maybe it's that fat guy.

Malex: It is?

Linus: Oh my goodness. What?

Malex: No, it was a question. It is? As in, is it? It is?

Linus: Um, no. You said, "It is." As in a statement.

Malex: No, it was definitely a question. Okay, so, you can't swim. Do you like regular bar soap?

Snufflefungus: Um... I've never tried it. In my mouth.

Malex: Well you know, I think most people put it, uh, on their bodies. Like, the outside.

Snufflefungus: I have rubbed in my eyes before, though.

Malex: Was that a pleasant experience?

Linus: Why did you do that?

Snufflefungus: Well... I- I don't know.

Malex: Okay. That last question for Snufflefungus: How old are you really?

Snufflefungus: Well I don't know about the character, but I am forty-five years old, and I have had a crappy life. I've been through some stuff, okay?

Linus: Yeah right. You comedians, you always have this sob story. It's like, Oh! OH! I grew up with a single parent, and my father died at a young age due to such and such heroic deeds! Yeah right, most of them are probably lies to gain sympathy from, like...

Malex: I think you're thinking of different kinds of people.

Linus: Fine!

Malex: Like, like the beans and franks? Seriously.

Snufflefungus: Yeah, and- and just because you have had a boring life, because you're a boring person, doesn't mean that you can-

Linus: What?! You wanna fight?

Malex: Uh, guys come on. No seriously- Alright, hold on. Can we- wait, can we just try to be in character a little bit, just to prepare for the script? Cause I know we don't have the script yet, but we could just try to be ready to record it when it finally comes out.

Linus: What is Linus's character anyway? I mean, undeveloped screams at me in capital letters!

Malex: It's not my fault!

Linus: You know what? Who's writing these things?!

Malex: Not me.

Linus: Hello? You furry creature you! With four legs and a cape! Who's writing these things?

LRRS: Not me!

Linus: Who is it then?!

Malex: Could be anybody.

Snufflefungus: You know, that fat guy does seem to be always busy...

Malex: Alright, Linus, I think the goal here is that you're supposed to be kind of... abrasive. I know that's not really in your character, but-

Snufflefungus: Maybe I could play Linus.

Malex: No, okay no, that's... We've already been doing this for over a year... We've been doing this for almost a year and a half.

Linus: I could play Snufflefungus.

Snufflefungus: I'd be better at it than that guy.

Malex: You can't change it now.

Linus: Hi, I'm the Snufflefungus.

Malex: Stop that! That's creepy!

Linus: I really like tea!

Malex: Okay, please?

Linus: What?

Malex: Just be abrasive. And Snufflefungus, you're supposed to be cute, and happy. Just give that a shot.

Snufflefungus: Hi, Malex! I got a slinky! Wanna see it go down the stairs?

Malex: That's a lot better! That's actually really nice.

Linus: Hi Malex! Wait-

Malex: No, okay no-

Snufflefungus: I forgot to mention that I burned the slinky cause I didn't like it.

LRRS: Hey everybody! Um, you're doing a good jobs! Just stay there for the next week, and we will have the script ready by then!

Linus: What?! No!

Malex: Uh, you know what? No, that's not gonna happen. Seriously.

Linus: We can't stay here.

LRRS: No, there's no other choice! I'm locking you in!

Linus: What? Hey! Hey! Come back! What the heck?

Snufflefungus: No! No!

Malex: Okay, seriously, come back! No! Wait! Open this door! Oh, wow.

Snufflefungus: I just need my tonic water.

Malex: Shut up.

Linus: You know what? You and your-

Malex: You shut your freakin' mouth.

Linus: They can just take a hike!

Malex: You all just shut up! I don't even like you guys.

Linus: You know what? I don't like you either!

Snufflefungus: Oh, is this confrontation, youngin?

Malex: Yeah, yeah it is- Youngin? You and your forty-five year old furry-

Linus: I think he said Union.

Malex: You've got fur coming out of your nose. That just makes you old.

Linus: Does he have a nose?

Snufflefungus: I don't have a nose, okay? I'm a fuzzball.

Malex: You can't find the nose for all the fur!

Linus: Oh.

Snufflefungus: And how do you know? Have you found it?

Malex: Yeah, in the corner.

Malex: Well I guess we just wait until he lets us out. So, is um... Is anybody up for Parcheesi, maybe?

Linus: Well, seeing as how we don't have anything else to do!

Snufflefungus: I always found it frustrating.

Linus: I'll- I claim red.

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley.

Improvisation Artists: Alex Markley, Fopsworth, and Quartz.

Voices: Markley Brothers.

Post-processing director: Fopsworth.

Illustration: Quartz.

Release manager: Quartz.

Recording assistance: Leela.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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