Malex's Thoughts

There is never a time when Little Red Riding Squirrel isn't horrifying.

One is forced to wonder what could possibly cause LRRS to want to join Snufflefungus's book club forcefully. That is to say, what does he expect to gain?

Does he want to turn Linus and Snufflefungus against one another? Does he simply want to gain the acceptance of our main characters? Or, more likely, does Little Red Riding Squirrel simply find pleasure in causing other people pain?

If causing pain is, in fact, his goal, I am forced to bow to his mastery of the art.

After all, what could possibly be more painful than reading a book, purportedly for children, about an Old Moldy Bean Curd Man and his loyal companion, the Crusty Cheese Slice? (Or is that Crusty Cheese Strip?)

There is simply no beating about the bush on this matter. Little Red Riding Squirrel is (or at the very least employs) an engine of terror which carries mourning to all the good little citizens of Ohioville... An engine which inhales fleeting wisps of happiness as its fuel, and vents despair as its dark, dark exhaust.

Let us hope that our heroes can survive this trial... Or whatever.

ttyl!

--Alex Markley

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody, welcome to Malex Minute Quarter Eight!

Linus: Oh no! We're not going to do the whole quarter now are we?!

Snufflefungus: Malex, Linus just said something really stupid! I'm worried he's broken.

Linus: Shut up, fuzzy!

Malex: Guys, settle down. We're just going to kick off the new quarter today.

Linus: Can we kick it off a building?

Snufflefungus: See? He did it again!

Malex: Linus, you're doing that on purpose.

Linus: Me? Never.

Snufflefungus: He takes everything I say and... somehow... turns it!

Linus: Too bad I can't turn it so you sound smart. I guess I'll have to do the other thing!

Malex: Linus, this is just uncalled for.

Linus: We could call it on the phone!

Malex: Now that was a reach.

Linus: You're right. I'm ashamed.

Malex: So, Snufflefungus, did you say you had something to share with our audience?

Snufflefungus: I got another postcard from Jack the Explorer!

Linus: Oh, it's so touching!

Malex: Do we know who this person is yet?

Snufflefungus: No. But his postcards are so interesting!

Linus: It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. You know it's going to happen and you can't stop laughing!

Snufflefungus: See here he goes into a detailed discussion of the northwest African rough-skinned panda and how recent discoveries compare and contrast with our previous assumptions!

Linus: ‘Our’ assumptions?

Snufflefungus: Yes!

Malex: He goes into all that detail on... a postcard?

Snufflefungus: Yep! The writing is very small.

Malex: So I see.

Linus: This Jack guy clearly needs someone burly to ‘set him straight’ on a thing or two.

Snufflefungus: How considerate of you Linus, thinking of his education!

Linus: Yes, I'm so benevolent. And Jack just seems like such a bright boy, with so much potential.

Malex: That doesn't sound ominous at all.

Linus: Doesn't it? I've been brushing up on my Sylar impression.

Malex: Keep it up! You'll go to jail before you know it.

Linus: That Sylar guy is great, but I just can't stop making jokes about him. For example...

~~ Start Joke

McCoy: Spock, his brain is gone!

Spock: I know, Doctor. I stole it myself.

~~ End Joke

Snufflefungus: Huh?

Malex: Sure, Linus.

Linus: Oh come on, guys, that one was really funny!

Snufflefungus: So, can we talk about my book club now? I have a new member in my club, and he would like to introduce a new book for us to read together!

Linus: What?! I didn't hear about any new members!

Malex: Sure, Snufflefungus, we have time for that.

Snufflefungus: Okay new member of my book club, you can come out now!

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Hey everybody! It's'a me, New Member of the Book Club!

Malex: No it's not! It's Little Red Riding Squirrel!

Linus: Arrgh!

Snufflefungus: (Gasp) You were Little Red Riding Squirrel? This whole time?!

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Yes! I would like to begin by introducing a new book I wrote for the publications! It is a children's book called The Old Moldy Bean Curd Man and His Adventures.

Malex: Well that sounds absolutely toxic.

Linus: Does he have to be here?

Snufflefungus: But Linus, we have to learn to be accepting!

Linus: No we don't!

Malex: Please, Little Red Riding Squirrel, continue your discussion about this horrible book.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: As you ponder the deeper symbolism in this comical day in the life of an edible travesty, you will discover that the author was trying to convey, in a tragic combination of escapism and expression of his deepest feelings, an incident in his childhood that is neither documented nor admitted by anyone involved.

Snufflefungus: That was a mouthful!

Linus: It sounds horrific.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: But it gets better! The author attaches a moral to the story! See, the main character's neighbor, the Crusty Cheese Slice, discovers his talent of ignoring the truth through melodramatic emoting. He then goes on to have a fulfilling career as a stripper!

Malex: Did you mention there being a ‘moral’ to the story?

Linus: That's the last straw! Snufflefungus, I refuse to read books with that... creature!

Snufflefungus: But Linus, he's just trying to fit in!

Linus: He goes, or I go!

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Oh please, furry beast, don't send me away!

Snufflefungus: I- I- I can't choose!

Malex: Snuffy, Linus is right. I think Little Red Riding Squirrel may be a bad influence.

Snufflefungus: Okay. Little Red Riding Squirrel, I hereby banish you from my book club!

Linus: Ha!

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Curses! I thought my plans to worm my way into your affections had been successful!

Snufflefungus: No, they really weren't. I was just being nice because that's what you're supposed to do for the poor outcasts of the world.

Malex: Good Snuffy.

Linus: Can we be done now? I have to go water my carpet mold.

Malex: Alrighty then, I guess that's it for this episode. Thanks for listening, Ladies and Gentlemen, and we hope you'll join us again next week for more Malex Minute!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley.

Writers: Alex Markley and Quartz.

Voices: Markley Brothers.

Post-processing director: Fopsworth.

Illustration: Quartz.

Release manager: Quartz.

Recording assistance: Leela.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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