Malex's Thoughts

As you may know, I took a trip to Missouri last week, and returned from it in shambles. Missouri, that is, not the week itself. Although one could make a convincing case for me having left the entire year of 2007 in shambles.

That is to say that I emerged from 2007 in shambles. Not that I emerged and somehow 2007 was in shambles.

I rather think that would have made the evening news at some point.

But I digress. On my trip home from Missouri, I became quite ill. So ill, in fact, that I dropped the ball on this week's Malex Minute episode entirely.

I came to my brothers and - with the sickly, gasping wheeze of the deathly ill - begged them to come up with something. I could not focus long enough to write, and my voice was too much in tatters to perform a recognizable voice, so I asked them to take over for me.

And sure enough, Quartz stepped up to the plate! While I did come up with a vague outline for the sequence of events, Quartz himself championed the writing of the actual script. It was amazing.

And, thankfully, the lines I had to perform as Malex were few and mercifully short. (I also did the ‘Employee,’ but thankfully his voice didn't need to be recognizable.)

But at this point, this spot is approaching a terminal level of boring. Have a happy new year everybody!

God Bless; ttyl.

--Alex Markley

“The brain is a terrible thing to waste.”

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Snufflefungus: So, what did you say we were out here to do again?

Linus: We're doing a kindness for these people.

Snufflefungus: Then why are we doing it at night, when nobody is looking?

Linus: People are too thoughtful nowadays; they wouldn't allow us if they knew anything about it.

Snufflefungus: Really?

Linus: Yep! Don't you think nice guys like that deserve a little surprise touch-up now and then?

Snufflefungus: You know, you're right! We should do something nice for them in return!

Linus: Well that's what we're doing. Look, there's an unattended car now.

Snufflefungus: Hmm...

Linus: What's wrong?

Snufflefungus: I dunno Linus, something seems wrong about this... It looks fine the way it is.

Linus: I know, but we wanna make it better for them!

Snufflefungus: But what if they don't want their tires better?

Linus: Oh, nonsense. They'll be delighted!

Snufflefungus: I still think it would be better to ask them first. It seems like this would be pretty permanent.

Linus: Fine, let's do the next car.

Snufflefungus: But what if tire-sharpening is something people want done by professionals?

Linus: Why haven't they yet?

Snufflefungus: I dunno... Maybe they couldn't afford it?

Linus: Exactly! Which means they'll be all the more thankful if we do it for them.

Snufflefungus: Hmm... How exactly do you go about tire-sharpening again?

Linus: Well just like this, see... You take the knife and deftly insert it into the side of the rubber on the tire. Then you move it along the rubber, lengthening the incision.

Snufflefungus: Gee Linus, it sounds like an awfully big change to make without the owner being involved in the decision...

Linus: Oh fine! We don't have to do it if you don't want to...

Snufflefungus: I'm glad you decided not to do it without their permission. But we can still ask them tomorrow!

Linus: No no, you're right. Let's just keep quiet about our tire-sharpening.

Snufflefungus: Where are we going now?

Linus: Just follow me, little Snufflefungus.

Snufflefungus: We're going to the pet store?

Linus: Yes.

Snufflefungus: Why are we going into the pet store?

Linus: I thought you were interested in pets.

Snufflefungus: I was, but Malex said I shouldn't think about pets or even look at them!

Linus: No, Malex said you couldn't buy a pet. Ever since you heard about them on the television, you've been going on about them too much. He just doesn't want you to have any fun.

Snufflefungus: Oh I dunno about that...

Linus: Anyway, it couldn't hurt to just look.

Snufflefungus: Are- Are you sure about that?

Linus: Of course! Come on.

~~ They enter the pet store.

Snufflefungus: Aw, look at the little pets! I want one, I want one!

Linus: Let's look at each one, and you can pick which one you like best! Look, there's a snake.

Snufflefungus: Ooh, a snake? What's a snake? I wanna see the snake.

Linus: It's here, in this cage.

Snufflefungus: Umm... I don't see anything in that cage. Is that cage empty?

Linus: Nah, he's just hiding. Here, lemme grab him for you.

Snufflefungus: (Yelps) I don't want the snake! Put Mr. Snake away. I don't like Mr. Snake!

Linus: Okay. Next we have these fishies!

Snufflefungus: Ooh, fishies! I've always heard about fishies. Where are they?

Linus: Here in this aquarium.

Snufflefungus: You mean all those squirmy little things floating in that water?

Linus: Yes Snuffy, those are the fishies.

Snufflefungus: Blah... I guess I don't like fishies very much after all. They're too squirmy.

Linus: Well, what do you wanna look at next?

Snufflefungus: Ooh! Hamsters! (Happy) I like the hamsters! They're all fuzzy like me!

Linus: I like them too. In soup.

Snufflefungus: Linus, that's horrible.

Linus: Meh.

Snufflefungus: Aw, look at the little guy! He's so cute, burrowing into the bedding and making a nest!

Employee: Hey, you!

Linus: My, you look... Ahem. Yes?

Employee: Did you let that ferret out?

Linus: What? Me?

Employee: Never mind, move aside!

Snufflefungus: (Yelps)

Linus: Umm, what are you doing? He's not a ferret.

Employee: What are you talking about? He must be! Just look at him! Now you little ferret, that's awful naughty of you escaping like that.

Snufflefungus: What are you doing with me? I didn't escape! I'm a customer!

Linus: Do you even have ferrets here? Do you know what they look like?

Employee: No, but this must be a ferret! He must've escaped from this cage here.

Snufflefungus: I'm the Snufflefungus!

Linus: But that's the hamster cage! He hardly fits!

Employee: Are you shopping here, or telling me how to do my job?

Snufflefungus: Let me out! Linus, Malex! Help!

Linus: Snufflefungus isn't yours!

Employee: Now that's a good little customer, keep your mouth shut and spend some money.

Snufflefungus: I don't wanna be locked in here!

Linus: Hey, come back here! Let him out of this cage!

Snufflefungus: Linus, I'm scared! I'm not supposed to be in here with the hamsters!

Linus: Umm... Crikey.

Snufflefungus: Linus, what are we gonna do? Where are you going? Linus?

Linus: Okay, Mr. Pet Shop Employee. How much do you want for that... “ferret?”

Employee: How about a hundred bucks?

Linus: Fifty!

Employee: Get lost! Well, in fact, fifty dollars might not be so bad after all...

Linus: There. Take it. Now let me have the ferret back.

Employee: Gladly...

~~ Scene change.

Malex: So where were you guys all day? Leaving me home sick...

Linus: Oh, we were around.

Snufflefungus: I was for sale in a pet store-

Linus: What he means to say is... nothing happened at all.

Malex: Umm... Okay, if you're sure.

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley.

Writers: Quartz and Alex Markley.

Voices: Markley Brothers.

Post-processing director: Fopsworth.

Illustration: Quartz.

Release manager: Quartz.

Recording assistance: Leela.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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