Malex's Thoughts

It's been a long time since I've been this excited about a Malex Minute episode. The mere concept of a computer trying to force you to concede to the idea that one plus one equals zero is sheer lunacy by any definition of the word, but this is a particularly delicious variety of lunacy... One that rocks my puny human body with peals of involuntary laughter every time I think about it.

It's actually rather unseemly.

To be frank, if any one of my computers were to employ such a terrifying stratagem, I would probably boot it out the window. But not before trying to cast the demons out.

What I'm trying to say is that this fictional scenario is funny precisely because of its fictional nature. If it were any less fictional, it would likely inspire the knocking of many a human knee.

Also, for some reason, the Coffee Cups appeal to me. They appeal to me in a strange and fundamental way. Almost as if I see a part of my own soul reflected in their dark pools of caffeinated nectar.

And that, dear friends, is the scariest thought I've had all week.

ttyl!

--Alex Markley

“What he means to say is, ‘In the event of an uprising, I shall peel a banana.’”

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Snufflefungus: (Unrivaled cheerfulness) Look, Linus! I got some-

Linus: I don't care.

Snufflefungus: (Undiminished cheerfulness) Look, Malex! I got some softwares!

Malex: Really? What kind of software?

Snufflefungus: It's a game! You can play it, and it's fun!

Linus: (Perks up.) Did somebody say, “Fun?”

Snufflefungus: It's supposed to be a combination of solitary, tanks, and Taffy Duck.

Malex: What?

Linus: I always feel like blowing stuff up whenever I try to play Solitaire.

Malex: Who is “Taffy Duck?”

Snufflefungus: Can you help me install my software?

Malex: Well sure, Snufflefungus. Here, you sit in the chair, and I'll teach you how to install software.

Linus: Great, now nothing will ever be the same again.

Snufflefungus: Okay, now what?

Malex: Well, first you place the CD in the drive.

~~ CD goes in the drive.

Snufflefungus: Okay! Now what?

Malex: Well, uh... The installer should come up in a moment.

~~ Installer chimes.

Linus: (Shudders) Why did I suddenly get a chill down my spine?

Snufflefungus: Okay... Now what?

Malex: I think it should be as simple as clicking the “Install” button.

Linus: Maybe we should turn back.

~~ Error message pops up.

Snufflefungus: Uh oh! There's an error!

Malex: It says, “The world is so cold... Are you sure you want to continue?”

Snufflefungus: But the only options are “Okay,” and “Continue.”

Linus: It's not too late to turn back!

Malex: Ah, what could go wrong? I think it's safe to continue.

Snufflefungus: Okay! So... Now what?

Malex: Well, see the progress bar? It means that it's proceeding to install your game. It's... Uh...

Snufflefungus: Why is it going backward?

Malex: Well, sometimes it gets confused about how much work needs to be done.

Snufflefungus: The progressey stuff escaped from the left side of the window.

Malex: That's impressive, actually.

Snufflefungus: It's leaking.

Malex: Ah, there! It finished, see?

Snufflefungus: (Triumphantly) It says, “Finished to the Satisfaction.”

Linus: To the satisfaction?! To the satisfaction of what?!

Malex: It's probably just a translation error. Or, you know, something...

Snufflefungus: Can I play my game now?

Malex: I think so. There's an icon right there, simply click it and your game should begin.

~~ Error message pops up.

Snufflefungus: (Horrified.) Okay... Now what?

Malex: Well, it's another error message. It says, “Error. One plus one equals zero.”

Linus: That's it. All is lost.

Snufflefungus: Should I click, “I Concede?”

Malex: N- No, I don't think that's appropriate.

Snufflefungus: There are no other buttons.

Malex: Try clicking the X to close it.

Snufflefungus: It's greyed out. I can't click it.

Linus: I'm going to go hide in the corner.

Malex: Well, it'll probably just crash, but you can go ahead and click, “I Concede.”

Snufflefungus: Okay!

Linus: (Whimpers.)

~~ Deep Sound

Snufflefungus: Ow.

Malex: Where are the walls?

Carpet: I welcome you. Stop standing on me.

Snufflefungus: Sorry, Mr. Carpet. We were just looking for the walls!

Carpet: They eloped. You are standing on my face.

Linus: I'm not! I'm curled up into a ball, sobbing!

Malex: We're sorry, Mr. Carpet. Is there somewhere else you'd like us to stand?

Carpet: I don't care.

Malex: The the ground is leaving in a huff.

Linus: Great! Now what do we stand on?

Snufflefungus: Look! Coffee cups are scooting along the ceiling!

Coffee Cup 1: We heard about your predicament.

Coffee Cup 2: Quite a shame, really. Not having anything to stand on.

Malex: Right, yes. It's quite awkward. I think we might be falling.

Coffee Cup 1: We would offer to let you stand on us, but of course it would never work.

Coffee Cup 2: (Agrees) Never work...

Snufflefungus: Good sirs, can you recommend a solid place to stand?

Coffee Cup 1: The ceiling is a good place.

Coffee Cup 2: Yes, the ceiling. Stand here.

Linus: But how do you manage it?

Coffee Cup 1: Really, must we do everything for you?

Coffee Cup 2: Really! How childish.

Coffee Cup 1: Give them an inch, and they'll take a scallop.

Coffee Cup 2: Yes, a scallop. Really, why don't you find your own scallop?

Malex: We're not seeking scallop, we're seeking steady moorings!

Coffee Cup 1: Moor Things?

Coffee Cup 2: I think he said Moo Rings.

Coffee Cup 1: Good sir, we cannot stand by and listen to your nonsense. If you continue to spout irregularities, we shall have to intercede.

Linus: Malex, what are we going to do?

Malex: I think we might have to swim to shore.

Coffee Cup 1: We're interceding now.

Coffee Cup 2: What he means to say is, “In the event of an uprising, I shall peel a banana.”

Snufflefungus: That's not what he said...

Malex: You're taking what I say and turning it into nonsense!

Coffee Cup 1: His intended message is, “Scream, and the world screams with you. Laugh, and your face will burst in flames.”

Linus: Why Malex, you're making more sense than usual today!

Malex: You're not helping! Coffee, I demand that you stop this at once!

Coffee Cup 2: Here the author means, “Thank you, dear Coffee, for translating my lunacy into pedestrian speech.”

Malex: (Screams.)

Snufflefungus: Ladies and Gentlepigs, thank you for participating in this, the next episode of the Malex Minute. In the future, more episodes will happen with equal tenacity. We hope you will have participated in them as well. Good day!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley.

Writers: Alex Markley and Quartz.

Voices: Markley Brothers.

Post-processing director: Fopsworth.

Illustration: Quartz.

Release manager: Quartz.

Recording assistance: Leela.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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