Malex's Thoughts

Hey everybody! I'm quite excited about the release of this episode for a number of important reasons.

First, I think it's funny, which will hopefully be enough of a contrast for us to escape from the intense controversy last week's episode caused.

Second, this is our 100th episode!

My excitement at this number isn't complicated, really. I'm just deeply surprised that we've managed to produce 100 Malex Minute episodes. Frankly, knowing us, I didn't expect us to do it. (If you knew us as well as we do, you'd surely agree.)

Another reason I'm excited is because we're having a party for the Malex Minute's second birthday!

That's right, as mentioned in the episode itself, we're throwing a Malex Minute Third Year Kickoff Party on Saturday, March 1st. It's going to be from 5PM to 8PM at the new “Smoothie Brews” coffee shop in Pataskala, and everyone is invited!

Mark your calendars, because it is going to be a super-awesome time! Seriously, this will be a once-in-a-lifetime event, so if you are (or plan to be) in the Central Ohio area on March 1st, you do not want to miss this party.

Keep an eye on this page for more details. I'll also mention it repeatedly from the Malex Minute and from Malex's Thoughts.

By the way, if anybody criticizes us for making fun of email scams, I'm going to kick myself in the teeth until I forget who I am.

ttyl!

--Alex Markley

“This meaningless sentence has little to do with anything, even less to do with everything, and everything to do with nothing whatsoever.”

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Malex: Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, to our one hundredth episode of the Malex Minute!

Linus: This is really a feat.

Malex: (Pleased) Why thank you, Linus!

Linus: It's a testament to your stubborn ignorance. Your naive steadfastness in the face of overwhelming adversity! No matter how many people hate your work, you just keep tapping away with that indomitable Ohiovillain spirit! It's like the story to a bad made-for-TV drama! You're an inspiration to-

Malex: (Less Pleased) Thank you, Linus. That will be all.

Linus: Are you sure? There's plenty more where that came from.

Malex: That's good to know. So anyway, our one hundredth episode! It really is a special occasion.

Linus: No kidding. You know, most people would have run out of ideas by the time the a hundredth episode rolled around... Malex, on the other hand, ran out of ideas ages ago!

Malex: Shall we have a talk? About your mouth?

Linus: Why, whatever for? My mouth seems to be working well.

Malex: Too well, one might say. It never seems to stop!

Linus: If I didn't know better, I'd think you were telling me to shut up.

Malex: Not at all! Carry on, my friend. I'll be off plunging this pen into my ears until I never hear you again.

Snufflefungus: Hey guys! Malex, can you help me fill out these forms?

Malex: Snufflefungus, where have you been all day?

Snufflefungus: I've been off getting a bank account!

Malex: However did you do that without an adult's help? You don't have any identification or anything!

Snufflefungus: Easy! The bank officer was vulnerable to my cuteness!

Linus: I'm shocked. Is anybody else shocked?

Malex: Snufflefungus, what do you need a bank account for?

Snufflefungus: I'm getting a bank account to hold all my new money!

Linus: Money, eh? Is this illegal and how do I get in on it?

Malex: Snuffy, why do you need money? I buy you everything you want.

Snufflefungus: (Pouting) Not everything...

Malex: Wha- Where are we going to keep an elephant?! That's what I want to know.

Snufflefungus: I told you! On the roof! There's all that empty space up there!

Malex: Okay, no. So I don't buy you everything you want. How are you getting all this money?

Linus: Yes, please. Enlighten us.

Snufflefungus: Well, I signed up for a free email account a while back, and now suddenly all these people want to give me free money!

Malex: Oh no. Snufflefungus, this is bad. Where are these emails?

Snufflefungus: Well, here's one. It says I won the UK National Lottery!

Malex: Uh... Snufflefungus, don't you have to be a citizen to enter the lottery?

Snufflefungus: Right, but I won even though I didn't enter! What are the odds, right?

Linus: I hate to break it to ya snuffwad, but you didn't win anything.

Snufflefungus: It says here I won four million pounds of money!

Malex: That's Pounds Sterling, not “pounds of money.”

Snufflefungus: I'm just trying to picture how much four million pounds of dollar bills would be.

Malex: A lot, but that's not what they're talking about. It's a completely different currency. A different unit of money.

Snufflefungus: What?

Malex: The UK is another country. They use different money there.

Snufflefungus: What are you talking about?

Linus: Snuffy, just think of it as four million pounds of pennies.

Snufflefungus: Oh. That's not very much money at all... (Pause) But I'll take it!

Malex: Snufflefungus, their offer isn't on the level! It's a con! A sham, a scam, a hoax!

Snufflefungus: But... The email! It's from the National UK Board of Lotteries International!

Malex: National UK Board of Lotteries International 54812 at Yahoo dot co dot UK, to be precise.

Linus: You'd think an organization that important would think to register their own domain name.

Malex: Besides, notice how you have to send them a thousand dollars as a “transaction fee” before they'll send you the money? It's so bogus.

Snufflefungus: Okay, well I didn't like the sound of that one anyway.

Linus: Good, I don't want them coming and repossessing your fur when you lose your... uh... shirt.

Malex: Ha ha. “Lose your shirt,” only he doesn't wear a shirt... That would have been funny, except... you know... it wasn't.

Linus: Shut up.

Snufflefungus: But this one has promise!

Malex: Oh?

Snufflefungus: It's from the prince of Africa! He's in a terrible financial bind, and he wants me to help him out!

Malex: Oh, yes, that's much more classy.

Linus: And what kind of financial bind is he in?

Snufflefungus: His name is Richard Zwingli, and he has inherited the large sum of, uh... let's see... all the money in Africa, but his evil uncle took over the throne and has frozen all of poor Richard's accounts.

Malex: (Sarcastic) Poor Richard.

Snufflefungus: Yes, he wants to use his inheritance to fund an army to help him take back the throne, but he can't do it without my help.

Malex: What does the email actually say?

Snufflefungus: The first email said, “Hello friend! I am prince Richard Zwingli of Africa. You get ten dot two thousand dot zero dollars and zero cents because of your enterprising company advance I observed on the website of your stock income corporation advance enterprise. You are my friend, and I love you. Please do not think of this as a spam, for it is not that. If you will hear me out, you will both of us profit. Respond quickly at your earlier convenient, and we will forward details.”

Linus: What? You have a “Stock income corporation advance enterprise,” and you didn't tell me?!

Malex: Snufflefungus, this is nonsense. Please tell me you didn't reply.

Snufflefungus: It- It's too complicated for you to understand, but basically, I'm going to get a cut of a large transaction that we'll facilitate through my account.

Linus: What does that even mean?

Malex: I won't understand, eh? Lemme guess, you have to send him some money so he can start the transfer on his end, right? Then he'll transfer all the money in Africa into your brand-new free checking account?

Snufflefungus: Yeah!

Malex: Snufflefungus, delete the message.

Snufflefungus: Aw, okay.

~~ New message arrives.

Snufflefungus: A new message! It says, “I love you. Do not delete my messages, as they are not spamming.”

Linus: Uncanny!

Malex: Snuffy, delete them anyway.

Snufflefungus: But Malex, he's my friend, and he trusts me to help him complete this very dangerous mission!

Malex: Snuffy, it's spam!

Snufflefungus: (Reluctant.) Oh, okay...

~~ New message arrives.

Snufflefungus: Another new message! It says, “I know where you live.”

Linus: No, I was wrong. That's uncanny.

Malex: Great! Now we have a spammer stalking us in our own house. Wonderful.

Linus: I'm moving away. Bye!

Snufflefungus: I don't understand. What's so bad about this?

Malex: Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we're out of time this episode. Thanks for listening to our hundredth episode, and see Malex's Thoughts for information about our upcoming third year kickoff celebration!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley.

Writers: Alex Markley and Quartz.

Voices: Markley Brothers.

Post-processing director: Fopsworth.

Illustration: Quartz.

Release manager: Quartz.

Recording assistance: Leela.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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