Malex’s Thoughts

Of course you’ll notice almost immediately that this episode is non-traditional at best. That is to say, if you just listen to the entire episode waiting for Malex and Snufflefungus to come in, you will be sorely disappointed. (Or will you?)

While this episode may not be traditional in its context, I hope you enjoy it regardless. (I know we did.)

It was a chance to experiment! A chance to shake ourselves loose from the bonds of the familiar! A chance to anger our loyal guinea pigs listeners! It was also a chance to fill out the somewhat insubstantial backstory of an old ‘friend’.

We had such fun with the concepts involved that we just rocked with laughter for minutes.

And that’s exactly as it should be.

So, news about the party! All the relevant information is on that page, but here’s the lowdown.

We’re planning to record Malex Minute 105 live at the party! That means you get a chance to point your fingers and laugh at the funny-looking men making silly voices into the microphones! Doesn’t it sound exhilarating?!

So you clearly need to come. Again, the information is at the page linked above. We even have a PDF you can print out and pass out to your friends or give to your parents so they know where to drive you. (That’s right, the cat’s out of the bag, son. So watch who you point your finger at while laughing derisively, ’cause we give as good as we get.)

See you at the party!

--Alex Markley

“I slumped backward against the tree and took a moment to catch my breath. I glanced briefly in the direction I had come, half-expecting to see my own demise looming over me. After all, they had set the sharks on me, and I wouldn’t be out of danger until I was at least five miles away from the forest surrounding the compound.”

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Host: Next, on Stuff You Don’t Need to Know. A well-loved cartoon character! The brilliant career! The shocking downward spiral! And the lovable individual... the soul that endured it all.

Recording of Squeaky: What? What?! Lady, get this kid away from me! I hate kids! I swear I’ll bite! I’ll bite!

Host: Hi! I’m David Kersmackencrampit, host of Stuff You Don’t Need to Know. Today, we’re going to dwell on the fate of a famous cartoon character, well-loved by almost a dozen of his fans. With me today in the studio is Doctor Elliot Dipkiss, Ohioville’s resident expert on Social Dynamics and Gossiping, and three-time Ohioville horseshoe champion.

Dipkiss: Hi! Yes, I don’t like to brag, but there it is.

Host: So, to the small fraction of the audience who doesn’t know the backstory here, what can you say?

Dipkiss: Well, David, I’m not going to lie. We’re talking about an incredibly tormented soul here. Incredibly tormented.

Host: How so?

Dipkiss: Well, from the audience’s perspective, the cartoon character in question simply rose to overwhelming popularity and, then, slowly dropped from view. But of course, there’s much more to the story here. Much more going on behind the scenes.

Host: Like what, for example?

Dipkiss: Well, look at how he started out. Here he is, just a child, being thrust into all these cartoon roles like a sort of machine. All he knows is how to make people laugh, and he derives all his fulfillment and self-worth from it. And then, just as his contributions become less profitable, the company that owns him simply takes it all away.

Host: Wow. Just wow.

Dipkiss: Exactly. I couldn’t agree more. His career as a cartoon character is over, his career in movies never started, and while he’s an icon, he can’t get any fulfilling work.

Host: So he retired from the industry.

Dipkiss: Right, well he tore up his contract and stomped out. But it wasn’t an amicable separation, not by a long shot. His own name is trademarked. He’s even been sued twice for using it.

Host: I remember that. So what has this done to him as an individual?

Dipkiss: Well, David, it isn’t pretty. His sense of individuality is genuinely shattered. He’s gone under a number of different aliases, been in and out of jail... I even heard he was right hand man to the prince of darkness for a while.

Host: What a shame.

Dipkiss: It gets worse. Even his appearance is trademarked, and it has been for quite some time. Recently, the company has been threatening him with legal action if he didn’t stop using it, so in defiance... He went in to have plastic surgery. To make himself look more human.

Host: But it didn’t work, did it?

Dipkiss: Not really. Nobody’s seen his face since, he keeps it wrapped up whenever he goes anywhere.

Host: But is there light at the end of the tunnel here? Doctor Dipkiss, is there any hope of a comeback for our beloved character?

Dipkiss: Not really, David. Sad to say it, but the kids are going to have to find some other cartoon character to love.

Host: Thanks so much for your time, Doctor.

Dipkiss: My pleasure.

Host: Hear that kids? Doctor Dipkiss thinks your favorite cartoon character is gone forever! But don’t start weeping yet, we’ve got somebody in the studio who disagrees with Doctor Dipkiss!

Squeaky: (Laughs) Hiya, everybody!

Host: Welcome to the show, uh... What should I call you?

Squeaky: Call me Killer.

Host: Right, uh Killer. So I hear you’re getting ready to launch an aggressive comeback strategy.

Squeaky: That’s right! I’m planning on finally breaking into films. I’m thinking starting out playing mainly villains, and working my way up to leading roles in summer blockbusters. Maybe spy roles or rugged action hero stuff. Now, of course I won’t be able to use my old name as leverage to get any of these roles, but I’m hoping my unbelievable talent will shine through and get me back in the game. It’s just a matter of time.

Host: Really? That’s interesting. So, no new cartoons then?

Squeaky: No way man, that industry chews you up and spits you out.

Host: So I’ve heard. So I’ve heard. So how does it feel to have your entire life ripped away in the name of profit?

Squeaky: Pretty bad, Dave. Pretty censored-ing bad.

~~ Awkward Silence

Host: So, I can’t help but notice that your face is covered up. Would you mind letting us see-

Squeaky: No! No. You may not see my face.

Host: I’m sorry, but how exactly do you plan on appearing in any movies without showing your face?

Squeaky: Hey, are you disrespecting the Killer?! You’d better not be!

Host: Well, I don’t mean to-

Squeaky: I demand respect!

Host: I apologize.

Squeaky: I’m gonna smoke.

Host: Smoke? Uh-

Squeaky: Want a stogy? Made ’em myself.

Host: I’m sorry, there’s no smoking in the studio.

Squeaky: What?! Are you disrespecting me again?!

Host: No, I-

Squeaky: I will set you on fire little man! You understand me?!

Host: I just-

Squeaky: Fire!

Host: Can we cut to something else?

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley.

Writer: Alex Markley.

Voices: Markley Brothers.

Post-processing director: Fopsworth.

Illustration: Quartz.

Release manager: Quartz.

Recording assistance: Leela.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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