Malex’s Thoughts

I find myself in the unusual (but not nearly unusual enough) position of having merely seven minutes to write these... thoughts.

Here goes nothing!

The past several days have been filled with non-stop, frantic preparation for our Third Malex Minute Year Kickoff (Second Year Finale) Grand Party Thing. (Say that five times fast. Actually, that’s too easy. Um... Never mind.) The party in question is happening this Saturday - that is to say, tomorrow - at 5PM. During the party, we will be performing Malex Minute 105 live.

But you know all of these things already. What you may not know is the level of madness we are enduring to make it so.

The script we have written concocted for these shenanigans is easily twice as long as an average Malex Minute episode. And the best part is, it keeps getting longer! It is like a hideous beast which, once initially spawned, never stops growing until it envelops and asphyxiates its creator.

Every aspect of the evening, from the bumper music playlist to the sound effects cuing system to the visuals has received direct care and attention from yours truly. And yet, I cannot dispel the notion that the entire evening will spontaneously collapse in a maddening festival of catastrophic errors - a delightful outpouring of failure which, when gazed upon with proper eye shielding, is simultaneously horrifying and oddly beautiful to see.

At least, that’s how it keeps going in my mind.

Stupid mind.

So yes, there will be an abundance of fun and madness. If that sounds like your kind of party, come on over! We’d love to have you there... To share in our misery.

I think I need sleep.

--Alex Markley

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Linus: (Grumbles.)

Snufflefungus: Gee Linus, it was awful nice of you to play chess with me.

Malex: I dunno why you keep playing chess, Linus, if it frustrates you so badly.

Linus: Hush.

Snufflefungus: (Excited) Which piece are you gonna move?

Linus: Hush! ... There. Take that!

Snufflefungus: Aw, but I liked the little pond!

Linus: It’s a pawn.

Snufflefungus: I’m making my move. There!

Malex: You can’t move there.

Snufflefungus: Why not? The space is free!

Malex: Your piece can’t move that way.

Linus: I’m a computer, I’m supposed to be unbeatable. I swear, if I don’t win against Snufflefungus, I’m gonna cuss till the wallpaper peels off!

Malex: Good luck with that.

Snufflefungus: Well there, I’m putting your pepper grinder in check.

Linus: It’s a bishop, and no it isn’t!

Malex: I think he’s got it cornered, Linus.

Linus: How do you figure?!

Snufflefungus: (Happily) I can take it with this piece, or with this piece, or-

Linus: (Bitter) Touché already, I get the message.

Snufflefungus: This is such a fun game!

Linus: Well I’m gonna make progress elsewhere on the board then...

Snufflefungus: My pawn takes your bishop! (Makes sound-effect.) Now I’m gonna try to get it to the far end of the court so it can hop backwards!

Malex: Ah, you can only move once in a turn, Snuffy. Put it back where the bishop was.

Snufflefungus: Oh, right.

Linus: Well there, I’m gonna take your pawn.

Malex: You missed.

Linus: No! I miscalculated it by one space!

Snufflefungus: And now my pawn can K.O. your horsey because you moved it right where I can get it!

Linus: Arrgh!

Malex: It isn’t looking good for you, is it Linus?

Linus: Shut up Mr. Toasty, I’m making my move! Aha! Now who’s prancing?

Snufflefungus: Well, I’m gonna have to move my castle out of your way and up here. Oops! Wait, can I take that back? I wanna move it here instead.

Linus: (Happy) Nope! You let it go!

Malex: How do you know that? He doesn’t have any fingers with which to let it go.

Linus: Fine, take it back. (Sighs.) There, my move. Now your turn.

Snufflefungus: Aha! My pawn is at the end of the court!

Malex: Now you get to swap it with a queen!

Snufflefungus: Aw, can’t we just keep track of it? I like the little pawn, I wanna keep him on the board!

Linus: Oh brother!

Malex: Alright Snufflefungus. But let’s put this rubber band on him to make it easier to keep track. There.

Snufflefungus: Yay! Thank you Malex!

Linus: Okay, I’ll move my rook over here. Your turn.

Snufflefungus: I’ll move my special pawn backwards! Ta-da! Er- Oops! Can I take that back? I don’t think it was a wise move.

Linus: I won’t hear any of it, you’re not taking that back! You’ve used up your grace quota!

Malex: Linus...?

Linus: And just when I’m starting to make my first comeback in years of playing and miserably failing, too! I don’t think so!

Snufflefungus: Okay okay, I won’t take it back. Your turn.

Malex: Linus, that’s a checkmate, I think. On the board.

Linus: What...? No! You’re right! I’m gonna swear up a firestorm!

Malex: Ah ah, remember? You still have a cuss filter installed. Every inappropriate word will be replaced with a random word or phrase from the dictionary.

Linus: Asbestos rocket-powered armchairs! This lichen automobile wasn’t a Serbia fair match! How the frog do you loving kindness expect me to cheesy mustard flakes concentrate on a strategy while you’re astronaut special taking back socks every Yankee other popsicle move?!

Malex: Sounding particularly ridiculous today, aren’t we?

Snufflefungus: Yeah, Linus. I’m not sure those words mean anything in that context...

Linus: And that photosynthesis rubber band on the psychosomatic pawn! How the continent am I supposed to do well while yellow reminding myself that that’s really a googol queen?!

Malex: Linus, really. Just get over it. It wasn’t Snufflefungus’s fault you lost.

Linus: Fine. Baseball! Scottish terrier! Sputnik!

Malex: Are you gonna be okay?

Linus: Jello! Isthmus! Great great uncle!

Snufflefungus: Whose great uncle?

Linus: Howdy jumping brain chiggers!

Malex: Okay, stop it Linus. You’re just making yourself more angry.

Linus: (Sighs.) Sparkly... Espionage?! (Screams) Snickerdoodle! Urgent fancy fishbowl!

Malex: Linus!

Snufflefungus: Linus, please stop swearing...

Linus: Hiccup temple court guffaw kittens! (Weeping) Normal tinker doofus extraction...

Malex: What the...?

Snufflefungus: He’s getting paper and pencil!

Linus: Saucepan living room Tennessee tertiary... Vomit?! Elephant yo-yo!

Snufflefungus: He wrote, “Bouquet Gettysburg vinyl,” and then cut off in the middle of a word.

Malex: I wonder if his cuss filter crashed...

Snufflefungus: I dunno.

Linus: (Still weeping.)

Snufflefungus: Linus, can you hear me? If your cuss filter has crashed, say yes once for yes, and twice for no.

Malex: Well I guess that’s all we have time for today, Ladies and Gentlemen! Thank you so much for listening, and we hope you’ll join us next week on the Malex Minute!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Quartz and Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Fopsworth

Illustration: Quartz

Release manager: Alex Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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