Malex’s Thoughts

I must give my little sister credit for coming up with the central theme of this episode. For weeks now she’s been running around the house making various inanimate objects say, “I’m so sad,” at whoever happened to be paying attention.

This would be especially bad if said inanimate object tended to also float toward you at maddening angles. It would be even worse if the inanimate object which was emoting at you was also a book you were trying to read at the time.

What I’m trying to say is, despite this object’s claims of sadness, we all suspected that it was really just perversely happy to have found somebody new to annoy. And really, no matter who you are, there will always be a line between feeling a particular emotion and terrorizing everyone around you with manipulation-grade doses of it.

As for our new friend? In his case, we can safely assume that the line has not only been crossed, but has completely receded into distant, fading memory.

So, you know, don’t feel too sorry for him or anything...

ttyl!

--Alex Markley

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Malex: Welcome to the Malex Minute, everybody!

Snufflefungus: We’re doing an episode!

Malex: I still can’t get over it that you actually like the new theme song, Linus.

Linus: I didn’t expect you to make a federal case out of it...

Malex: No, but seriously. You never like anything!

Linus: I don’t never like anything!

Snufflefungus: Huh?

Malex: You just have a persona. You’re the perpetually annoyed, irrepressible cuss. Every fashionable show has to have one!

Linus: This is all true, but my persona is too high-maintenance. It’s just difficult to keep up.

Snufflefungus: So drop it! Be happy all the time!

Linus: Like that would be any easier...

Malex: Seriously, try it! Frowning uses several more muscles than smiling.

Linus: I’m a hologram. I don’t have any muscles.

Malex: Well, perhaps smiling takes less energy.

Linus: (Happily) Maybe ignoring you is the most energy-efficient solution of all!

Snufflefungus: Hey guys, did it just get colder in here?

Ghost: I’m so sad...

Linus: Malex, did your bitterness just vomit out of your torso and manifest itself as a disembodied sadness?

Malex: (Sarcastic) Hmm, lemme check. No! It’s still here.

Snufflefungus: Maybe it was the wind!

Ghost: (Sighs.)

Snufflefungus: See?

Ghost: I’m so sad.

Snufflefungus: I take it back. The wind is usually far too happy to say things like that.

Malex: Who are you, voice, and why are you sad?

Ghost: I don’t remember ever having a name.

Snufflefungus: Aw...

Linus: Yes, yes, but why are you sad?

Ghost: Well, for one thing, I don’t remember ever having a name.

Malex: That would do it.

Snufflefungus: Hey guys, maybe we can cheer him up!

Linus: Or maybe we can offer to escort it off the property!

Malex: Linus, please. Maybe we should offer him something.

Snufflefungus: Like...?

Malex: Well, I... Maybe some coffee- Er...

Linus: Malex, it’s a ghost! It’s so out of touch, it can barely find its own feelings! Its voice is thready and ethereal! Drinking coffee is completely out of the question!

Malex: Well there’s no need to get snippy, I’m a little bit out of my depth here.

Ghost: I can hear you, you know... Talking about me like I don’t exist.

Malex: Oh, no! We weren’t-

Ghost: I’m so sad...

Snufflefungus: Can we do something for you? To make you happier?

Ghost: I don’t know, can you?

Snufflefungus: (Confident) Oh, I think so. I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’m something of an expert on happiness.

Ghost: Okay, well, I’m willing to give it a try.

Snufflefungus: Good! The first step in the process is to smile!

Ghost: I haven’t had a mouth since before I died.

Linus: I can see how that could prevent smiling.

Ghost: I’m so sad...

Snufflefungus: No wait! Why don’t we think about something totally different... What about people! Uh... In a room.

Ghost: Okay...?

Snufflefungus: Yes! People, in a room, having fun! What do you think of that?

Ghost: I think I can’t join them.

Linus: Oh for crying out loud! It’s a lost cause!

Malex: Hold on, let me try something. Mr. Ghost person, would you like to listen to some music?

Ghost: I don’t know, will it make me sad?

Malex: No, of course not! It’s very upbeat and interesting to listen to! Here, see what you think of this...

~~ Starts playing the Malex Minute Theme.

Ghost: It reminds me of the time I died.

Malex: What?!

Ghost: I’m so sad...

Malex: That’s it, nobody insults my music and gets away with it! Get out out of my house.

Ghost: Rejection makes me sad...

Linus: What in the wide world doesn’t?!

Snufflefungus: This whole exchange has taught me a lot about negativity.

Linus: (Excited) It has?!

Snufflefungus: No wait! I don’t think it has.

Malex: Well everybody, I guess that’s all we have time for today. Thanks for listening, and we hope you’ll join us again next week for another great Malex Minute!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Leela as the Ghost!

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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