Malex’s Thoughts

Apparently it is very difficult for Snufflefungus to imagine a situation in which a bunny is un-cute. That is to say, in Snufflefungus’s mind, un-cute is the same as not bunny.

Linus’s particular situation is inspired by the incredible amount of computer time that was required to render our latest short film.

The short film, by the way, is stupendously amazing. You must watch it. Quickly, before it’s too late!

Have you watched it yet? Good.

So yeah, we’re extremely pleased to have that out the door. It represents a massive leap forward in our production skills, and I’m very much looking forward to seeing a significant increase in the quality of future work.

Speaking of future work, I’m pretty sure my brain is on fire. Gotta go!

ttyl!

--Alex Markley

“Quick, little Johnny! The only cure for brain freeze is to eat that ice cream faster!”

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody, Malex here, and I’m hosting the show, along with-

Snufflefungus: I’m so happy! It’s spring outside! Spring is so happy! Happy is so outside!

Malex: Yes, the weather does seem to be shaping up quite nicely, don’t you agree, Linus?

Linus: (Long delay...) Yes.

Malex: Uh, right! So what’s been going on lately, Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: I made up a game! It’s really really fun!

Malex: Oh?

Snufflefungus: It’s called, “Guess Which Bunny Is Cuter?” I have two little bunnies here. You’re supposed to guess which one is cuter!

Malex: Umm... I’m gonna pick this one. The other one is a rock.

Snufflefungus: Aha, but you answered too quickly! Is that your final answer?

Malex: Yes.

Snufflefungus: Are you sure?

Malex: It’s... a rock. I don’t think it qualifies as cute.

Snufflefungus: Hmm... Maybe this game is a little too easy.

Linus: Ha, ha! That’s no bunny, that’s a rock!

Malex: Yes. I think we already established that.

Snufflefungus: Maybe I could throw in an extra item for people to guess on. That’ll throw ’em.

Malex: So... Has anything else been going on, Snuffy?

Snufflefungus: Uh-huh! I’ve been climbing trees!

Malex: Well that sounds- Wait... How are you climbing trees with no arms or legs?

Snufflefungus: I have telekinesis!

Malex: Right, but that only allows you to interact with objects relative to yourself... You can’t manipulate your own body relative to the objects. That’s why you have to hop instead of flying, right?

Snufflefungus: Yes, yes. I’ve heard it all before. But I am climbing trees nevertheless!

Malex: Which trees, exactly?

Snufflefungus: Remember that big tree in the back yard?

Malex: The one looming four stories over our house? How could I not remember that one?

Snufflefungus: I conquered it!

Malex: My, what convoluted wording! Whatever could you- whoa!

Snufflefungus: See? Conquered!

Malex: I do see. So instead of lifting yourself up to the top of the tree, you pulled the top of the tree down to you.

Snufflefungus: It was hard work!

Malex: I imagine. The entire tree seems to be submerged underneath the topsoil.

Snufflefungus: Yep, I didn’t end up very high off the ground, but I was definitely at the top of the tree.

Malex: I may have to ask you to refrain from climbing any other trees, Snufflefungus. I don’t think the yard can take any more of this.

Snufflefungus: Oh, okay.

Linus: Why does that sound so ominous?

Snufflefungus: (Awkward) Uh, what sounds ominous?

Malex: Don’t mind him, he’s responding to a statement from thirty seconds ago.

Snufflefungus: Oh, okay! So if I can’t pull any more trees down to ground level, can we build stairs up to all the trees I want to climb?

Malex: Well I don’t know. What do you think, Linus? Will you help Snufflefungus build stairs up to the treetop?

~~ Long delay...

Snufflefungus: Maybe we should-

Linus: I think we should teach the trees to grow with steps already on them!

Snufflefungus: But that wouldn’t help me now, would it? Malex, I think Linus is broken again.

Linus: And another thing!

Malex: Yeah, I started a clustering program running on all my computers. It’s running a massive simulation, trying to solve cancer.

Snufflefungus: Is cancer a math problem?

Malex: No, but if you-

Linus: (Yells.) That explains the fog in my brain!

Snufflefungus: Uh... Can’t you speed him up? He’s not really useful like this.

Malex: Well, I could make him more responsive, but there might be... Consequences.

Snufflefungus: Please. Anything’s better than this.

Malex: Alright, here we go...

Linus: (Much faster.) Oh, wow! That’s so much better! (Cuts off in the middle of a word. Long pause. Then finishes word.) I hate having to- (Cuts off again. Long pause.) Arrgh!

Snufflefungus: Okay, I was wrong, this isn’t better.

Linus: (Continues glitchy sobbing in background.)

Malex: Where’s he off to now?

Snufflefungus: He’s glitching away! After him!

Malex: Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I guess that’s it for today. Thanks for listening, and we hope you’ll join us again next week on the Malex Minute!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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