Malex’s Thoughts

We just couldn’t leave well enough alone. Last week’s episode was so funny, we had to do a sequel. A sequel featuring a conversation between Malex and Johnny John Johnson. Even considering the wide variety of documented misbehaviors in the debt industry, I very much doubt anything like this has ever really happened.

Let’s just say that the ‘little’ twists and turns this plot thread takes are so violent, you may need to hold on to your hat as you listen. Better yet, forget the hat and hold on to your whole head.

Mostly, we just hope you enjoy the episode.

By the by, we released a new short film on Wednesday called Cuckoo Cage. Among other things, it features the brilliant acting talents of our very own Peter (Snufflefungus) and Gabriel (Linus) with writing contributed to by yours truly. (Me.)

So go watch that and have yourself a chuckle. You may even throw caution to the wind and have two.

ttyl!

--Alex Markley

“Oh, Doctor, one more thing. All this air I’ve been breathing in... Where does it all go?!”

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Linus: I don’t understand what the problem is, Malex. They’re just phone calls...

Malex: That’s because you’re not flesh and blood like me! You can’t feel pain!

Linus: Actually, I can. But what’s so painful about debt collectors calling anyway?

Malex: You’re hopeless!

Snufflefungus: Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the show! I must apologize for Malex’s behavior, he’s been receiving some phone calls lately! For some reason, these phone calls have begun to make him a little funny. And not the funny kind of funny, either.

Malex: (Shushes everyone.) Here comes another call! I can feel it!

Linus: What? You can’t possibly-

~~ Phone rings.

Malex: Can somebody else get it?

Linus: No, it’s funniest if you do it.

Malex: (Picks up phone.) Hello?

Johnny John Johnson: Hello. This is John Dough from Grim Harvest Enterprises. May I speak to Mr. Homestead DeKay please?

Malex: Why, Johnny John Johnson, why must you torment me so?

Johnny John Johnson: I’m just doing my job sir. We could end this right now if you’d just, you know, let me speak to Mr. Homestead DeKay.

Malex: Okay, you know what? You win.

Johnny John Johnson: And don’t pretend to be him again. Your fake voices are terrible.

Malex: No, no no. Here. You tell me all about Homestead DeKay, and I’ll go find him for you. Right now! I’ll just go on an epic quest if need be.

Johnny John Johnson: Your offer has merit. Okay, I will tell you everything there is to know about Homestead DeKay.

Linus: This oughtta be good.

Johnny John Johnson: His favorite color is candy apple green. His first dog was named Chocolate, which led to an incident that left him emotionally scarred for life. He’s repeatedly sworn that he’ll never get another pet as long as he lives.

Snufflefungus: Aw, that’s sad!

Malex: I’m going to stop taking notes until something relevant comes along.

Johnny John Johnson: Oh! And when he was five years old, he shook hands with the tallest man in the world! And he tells everybody that he lost his pinkie toe in the war, but really it was a freak dishwasher accident.

Linus: Yup, those dishwashers...

Johnny John Johnson: He’s a very lonely man, too. He’s always wanted friendship, but never found anybody who could stand to be near him.

Malex: (Exasperated) Johnny John Johnson, are you talking about yourself?

Johnny John Johnson: Why- No! What makes you think that?

Snufflefungus: Malex always says not to talk about what other people are feeling, because you can’t know for sure!

Malex: Unless you just happen to be the person you’re talking about.

Johnny John Johnson: This rabbit-trail won’t get us anywhere!

Linus: So wait, Malex, are you saying this whole time, Johnny John Johnson has been annoying us in a desperate bid for attention?

Malex: And friendship, yes.

Johnny John Johnson: So you figured it out. Good for you.

Malex: So can we just hang up now and pretend this never happened?

Johnny John Johnson: Oh no. See, in my database here, there really is a Homestead DeKay, and he really does owe this company money!

Malex: I don’t understand.

Johnny John Johnson: Don’t you see?! This master plan has been in the works for years! First, I cleverly sign up for a credit card under a fake name, placing all your contact information on the account. Second, I max out that credit card! Third, I sign up for another credit card with your contact information, because the first credit limit wasn’t devious enough! Fourth, I get a job at the collection agency that contracts with my own bank! Fifth, I hire your paper boy to collect my credit card bills out of your mail and destroy them! Sixth, I place myself in a position to work on my own collections case! Seventh, I call you! Eighth, I call you again! Ninth, I call you a third time!

Linus: We get the point already!

Johnny John Johnson: Do you?!

Malex: Yeah, we do. Please transfer me to your supervisor.

Johnny John Johnson: What?! Reject my plainspoken, affectionate bid for friendship?! Spit on the hand that calls you?!

Malex: Please just transfer me to your supervisor.

Johnny John Johnson: He’ll never believe you over me! Never! (Sudden realization.) Oh no, you like him more than me, don’t you?!

Malex: That seems likely.

Johnny John Johnson: You’ll become his friend, and then he’ll believe you!

Malex: Something like that. Just put him on.

Johnny John Johnson: I’m sorry sir, what? The quality control department? Whatever do you mean? I’m what?

Supervisor: Excuse me, sir? We’re terribly sorry about all this. My quality control department just notified me of some of the contents of this conversation, and, frankly, I’m annoyed.

Malex: You can say that again.

Supervisor: Oh, sorry. I said, “Excuse me, sir? We’re terribly sorry about all this. My quality control department just notified me of some of the contents of this conversation, and, frankly, I’m annoyed.”

Malex: Right.

Supervisor: Basically, I just wanted to placate you enough that you wouldn’t press charges against the company without actually changing anything about what we do or how we operate.

Malex: What about that Johnny John Johnson fellow?

Supervisor: Canned him. Yeah, he’s gone. Said to tell you that he’d never forgive you for spurning his friendship. And something about hunting you down and tormenting you for life.

Malex: Okay... Well, thanks...

Supervisor: Also, I just thought you should know that I’m suffering from a degenerative neurological disorder, and I’ll be dead in six months.

~~ Extremely Awkward Silence

Supervisor: In case, I dunno, you wanted to be friends or something.

Malex: I, uh, um...

Supervisor: No, okay, I get it. Who wants to be friends with the dying guy. You people are all alike. Fine! I don’t want to be friends with you anyway! (Hangs up.)

Malex: Uh, bye.

Linus: Well... Wanna exchange some witty repartee?

Malex: No. No, I don’t.

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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