Malex’s Thoughts

I’m not sure why, but it’s not often that Gabriel voices any characters other than Linus. However, when he does, pure gems come out. Of course, great writing always helps, and I really think this script was one of my better ones in recent memory.

We actually recorded this episode on time this week, which was good because I woke up the next morning with a terrible sore throat. But that little factoid is staggeringly dull! So perhaps I’ll stop typing and leave you to enjoy this episode in peace.

ttyl!

--Alex Markley

“Finally, a break-through! From where you are, can you see the square root of negative two?”

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody and welcome to the Malex Minute! I’m Malex, and I’ll be your host for today.

Linus: This is going to be another one of those boring episodes, isn’t it?

Malex: Nah, we got email from a listener this week!

Linus: I thought so. Wake me up when we’re done.

Snufflefungus: What does the letter say, Malex?

Malex: It says, “Dear Malex, I’m in school right now and I’m having trouble with one of my classes. It’s really hard. So can I borrow that space ship of yours? It might be good to get away for awhile once my grades come in.”

Linus: (Awkward.) Uh, that might be...

Malex: I don’t see why not. Just drop me a line and we’ll arrange something.

Linus: ...Sure.

Malex: The next question is, “Dear Snufflefungus: Have you come up with any new stuff down in your lab? Like maybe something to battle the fuel crisis?”

Snufflefungus: (Excited) Oh, I have just the thing!

Malex: What’s that, Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: It’s a fully automatic watermelon peeler!

Linus: It sounds so messy.

Malex: How exactly does that help with the fuel-?

Snufflefungus: Just point it at a watermelon patch, pull the trigger, and say cheese! All the watermelons are neatly peeled!

Malex: That would kill the whole crop.

Snufflefungus: It doesn’t matter, all the watermelons would be ready for munching!

Malex: I’m sorry, Snuffy, I just have trouble seeing this as practical.

Linus: And it would be such a mess!

Snufflefungus: I like watermelons...

Malex: Here’s the last question from the letter. He says, “Linus, since you’re essentially invincible as a computer-generated presence, have you ever considered becoming a super hero?” He then signed it, “Yours in celery, Zachary Atrocious.”

Snufflefungus: But I thought super hero was a trademark! You can’t even consider being a super hero without the express, written permission of Marvel Entertainment, Incorporated and the DC Comics corporation!

Malex: Yes, Snufflefungus, thank you. I think that’s enough trademark infringement for one day.

Linus: Well, in answer to your question, Zachary Atrocious, I always thought being a super villain would be neat, but honestly being a hero never even crossed my mind.

Zachary Atrocious: (Bursts in.) Ha-ha!

Malex: Hello. Who are you?

Zachary Atrocious: I’m Zachary Atrocious! Ha-ha!

Snufflefungus: The one who sent the letter?

Zachary Atrocious: Yes.

Malex: I find it somewhat odd, and possibly a little creepy, that you chose the very moment that we finished answering your letter to burst into my house uninvited.

Zachary Atrocious: You find it odd and creepy because that’s exactly how I left it! Ha-ha!

Malex: That’s just the thing. I’m wondering why you left it that way, and even, while we’re on the subject, what “it” is.

Linus: Malex, can we stop the playfully inane banter and get on with shooing this frightening person away?

Zachary Atrocious: Ah, but Linus, you don’t want to shoo me away! You’ve always dreamed of being a super villain, so become one! Join me! The dark side awaits!

Linus: If you say anything even vaguely resembling, “I am your father,” you’re going to get one right in the kisser.

Zachary Atrocious: That’s it, let the hate consume you! You know you want to join me!

Linus: If you say so...

Malex: You know, Zachary, I don’t really think you should-

Zachary Atrocious: And now, for my first evil plan! Linus, let’s steal Snufflefungus’s watermelon peeler!

Linus: Why bother stealing it? Hey Snufflefungus, can we borrow your watermelon peeler?

Snufflefungus: Sure, Linus! Here it is!

Zachary Atrocious: Ha-ha!

Linus: Now what?

Zachary Atrocious: Now Malex gives us his space ship!

Malex: Now Zachary, why don’t you just calm yourself down and tell us what you’re planning?

Zachary Atrocious: My master plan is to make the fuel crisis worse by taking the watermelon peeler and flying away with it into space! Then you won’t be able to use it!

Malex: I’m not sure, but I don’t think Snufflefungus’s watermelon peeler can possibly have any effect on the fuel crisis either way.

Snufflefungus: Besides, I’m pretty sure I remember how to make another one...

Zachary Atrocious: Well... In that case, I’ll make the fuel crisis go away by flying out into space and shooting the watermelon peeler at the planet! Ha-ha!

Malex: I’m not sure you understand...

Zachary Atrocious: No more talking! Now, Malex, it’s time to give me your spaceship like you promised... Or die!

Malex: Why are you pointing the watermelon peeler at me?

Zachary Atrocious: I thought-

Malex: I am not a watermelon.

Zachary Atrocious: Won’t it-

Snufflefungus: It pretty much only works on watermelons.

Zachary Atrocious: Oh. Well I could hit you with it! Ha-ha!

Malex: No need to bother. I mean if you really want the space ship, it’s in the garage.

Linus: Actually...

Zachary Atrocious: Then into the garage we go!

~~ Garage door opens.

Zachary Atrocious: What?! There’s no space ship here!

Linus: Yeah... About that.

Snufflefungus: We hid all the pieces that were left and made a treasure map! Linus was hoping to sell the treasure map, but we got bored.

Malex: This is the first I’ve heard of this. Why is this the first I’m hearing about this?

Snufflefungus: Oh, there are lots of things Linus tells me never to tell you!

Linus: Snufflefungus, that was one of them!

Snufflefungus: Oh, sorry...

Zachary Atrocious: I’m sure this is very interesting, but what about me? What about my evil plan?

Malex: Well, you’ve got everything you need except a ride into space, right?

Zachary Atrocious: That’s correct.

Malex: So go pay the Russians to blast you into space. It’s only twenty million dollars.

Zachary Atrocious: I don’t have twenty million dollars!

Snufflefungus: But Zachary Atrocious, this is America! You can earn any amount of money if you try hard enough!

Zachary Atrocious: That’s it! I’ll earn twenty million dollars, and then I’ll fly up into space and fire the watermelon peeler at the planet, thus solving the fuel crisis and earning my place in the villain hall of fame forever! Ha-ha!

Linus: ... Yeah, that’ll work.

Zachary Atrocious: Come, Linus! We have much to do!

Linus: I’m not coming.

Zachary Atrocious: Fine! I’ll do it alone! Ha-ha!

Malex: Good luck.

Snufflefungus: Goodbye!

~~ Zachary Atrocious leaves. Door closes behind him.

Malex: Well, there goes as strange a little menace to society as I’ve ever seen...

Linus: Okay, so that wasn’t boring at all.

Snufflefungus: Malex?

Malex: Yes, Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: How far away is Space?

Malex: Why do you ask, Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: Well, my watermelon peeler only has a range of ten feet. So I’m not sure, but I think Space might be a little out of range.

Malex: You know you might be right, Snufflefungus.

Snufflefungus: Should we run and tell him?

Malex: No, I don’t think so.

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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