Malex’s Thoughts

It’s difficult enough to predict what will happen when Little Red Riding Squirrel is present. When Tall Green Riding Squirrel is added to the mix, the already unstable situation turns positively volatile. So what sort of chaos, do you suppose, will accompany further additions to the group?

I have seen that future, and it has made me less.

As to Linus’s nearly-militant position on clichés, I must admit to feeling the same way. In fact, the argument between Malex and Linus early in this episode is based largely on debates I have with myself on a nearly-regular basis.

If a particular phrase is unoriginal, is it used out of necessity to establish common ground with the audience? Is it used in some peculiar or original way for witty or ironic effect? Or (horror of horrors) is it simply used as a creative shortcut – regurgitated onto the page because I couldn’t think of anything better to write there?

Also of particular relevance, how often do I deceive myself into believing one of the former when the latter is more appropriate?

But you shouldn’t mind me. It’s 1 AM here, and I generally tend to wax philosophical under these conditions.

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“Why, Hamster? Why?!”

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Linus: (Tattling) Malex, Little Red Riding Squirrel scrawled all manner of menacing threats on the side of our house while we were sleeping again.

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: I’m so sorry! I just can’t imagine why my Little Red Riding Squirrel is threatening to kill us all in our sleep.

Malex: Well, you know, he always did seem a little unhinged to me.

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: I’m just so sorry I got you all into this. I should have just gone with him.

Snufflefungus: Aw, it’s okay Tall Green Riding Squirrel. What are friends for?

Linus: Did he really just say that? That’s it, I’m calling the Cliché Police.

Malex: Do they really exist?

Linus: Not yet. I’ll have to form them first. But then there’ll be a smack down…

Malex: Have fun with that. Anyway, Tall Green Riding Squirrel, we just did the neighborly thing. I’m sure you’d do the same for us.

Linus: Another one! Malex, how could you stoop to such depths?!

Malex: It’s pretty easy when you’re forced to write a new one of these scripts every week.

Linus: That’s no excuse.

Malex: Seriously, though, all I said was “I’m sure you’d do the same for us.” That’s merely a common expression, not a cliché.

Linus: Where you see a common expression, I see a pathetic excuse for communication. A cop-out of the highest order!

Malex: Then where do we draw the line? Clichés are used as creative shortcuts to cue in the audience thoughts and feelings that the writer may not have the skill to convey in an original way. But at the same time, communication of any kind is clearly impossible unless it’s based on the familiar at some level. So how do we tell the difference?

Linus: You worry about drawing lines. I’ll handle the mockery.

Snufflefungus: Why Linus, how formulaic of you.

Linus: (Gasps) I am shame!

Little Red Riding Squirrel: (Calling in from outside.) I know you’re in there, Tall Green Riding Squirrel! I’m going to get in eventually, and when I do you’ll be sorry!

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: What if I’m already sorry? Will you leave me alone?

Little Red Riding Squirrel: No! “Sorry” is a metaphor for setting you on fire, and then jumping up and down on you, and then pouring buckets of water on your face, and then setting you on fire again! (Descends into manic laughter.)

Snufflefungus: Wow, that sounds like a not-fun time. What a strange metaphor.

Linus: (Calling out to Little Red Riding Squirrel.) What about us, Little Red Riding Squirrel?

Little Red Riding Squirrel: I’ll deal with you later!

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Maybe I should just go out to him and get it over with.

Linus: Please do.

Snufflefungus: That sounds stupid, why would you do something like that?

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: (Voice quavering.) I just think… Maybe it would be best for everyone if I…

Snufflefungus: (Gasps) No! You wouldn’t!

Malex: Snufflefungus, don’t let him get to you. He’s just fishing for sympathy.

Linus: Which seems odd to me, since our lives are being threatened by Little Red Riding Squirrel too. Moreover, it’s our house Little Red Riding Squirrel is trying to set on fire.

Malex: Yeah, seriously. I’m starting to see why Little Red Riding Squirrel is mad at– What?! Fire?!

Snufflefungus: Wow, that’s a big flame-thrower.

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: It’s all my fault!

Malex: You get away from my house with that thing!

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Eat fire!

~~ Little Red Riding Squirrel shoots flame at the house.

Malex: Fiend! Snufflefungus, can you put it out with your mind?

Snufflefungus: No, but I can make it dance around! (Sing-song) Ring around the rosies, a pocket full of posies.

~~ Little Red Riding Squirrel screams while Snufflefungus is singing.

Snufflefungus: (Sing-song) Ashes, ashes. We all fall down!

Malex: But what if Little Red Riding Squirrel didn’t want to dance with the fire?

Snufflefungus: (Disconcerted.) Oh, I didn’t think of that.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: You just wait there! I’ll bring you so much terror, you’ll be sorry!

Snufflefungus: There’s that curious metaphor again…

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Little Red Riding Squirrel, you better not!

Little Red Riding Squirrel: I will!

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: I’ll call in the rest of us!

Linus: Wait, the ‘rest’ of you? What does that mean–

Little Red Riding Squirrel: You wouldn’t dare!

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: And you know they’ll side with me!

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Never!

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: I’m doing it right now!

Malex: Wait, uh, can we talk about this?

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: The remainder of the nine, I summon thee with my mind!

Snufflefungus: Nine? That’s a lot!

Malex: Uh, are they coming here? I wasn’t consulted–

Sad Orange Riding Squirrel: (Appears) It’s’a me, Sad Orange Riding Squirrel!

Sick Brown Riding Squirrel: (Appears) It’s’a me, Sick Brown Riding Squirrel!

Linus: (Starts screaming.)

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: (Appears) It’s’a me, Fat Purple Riding Squirrel!

Wet Yellow Riding Squirrel: (Appears) It’s’a me, Wet Yellow Riding Squirrel!

~~ Round Blue Riding Squirrel appears.

Snufflefungus: (Scared.) Uh, Malex?

Malex: Say, what’s this one called?

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Oh, that’s Round Blue Riding Squirrel. He doesn’t speak.

Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: (Appears) It’s’a me, Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel!

Scary Grey Riding Squirrel: (Appears) It’s’a me, Scary Grey Riding Squirrel!

Malex: We’re gonna go hide now. Bye!

Little Red Riding Squirrel: You haven’t heard the last from me! I will have my revenge! In fact, I’m going to begin plotting it right now!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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