Malex’s Thoughts

Storming? What a treat! I’ve always enjoyed a good thunderstorm. I’m not sure if it’s the sound of the rain on the roof, the darkness of the sky, or the rolling of the thunder. For whatever reason, thunderstorms have always inspired me and made me feel alive.

Or maybe that’s just an adrenaline rush. Who knows?

Linus’s behavior is quite hilarious in this episode, if I do say so myself. He might just be trying to yank Snuffy’s chain, but perhaps he’s just so stressed out by the storm that he’s had a mental lapse? After all, claiming that a bush from the garden is going to burst in and eat our heroes? That’s just silly!

Recently we’ve been working on producing Malex Minute episodes far in advance of their actual release date. There are various reasons for this, but the result is that I’m virtually swimming in an abundance of unreleased Malex Minute episodes, scripts, and concepts.

It’s gotten so bad that I’ve entirely abandoned the idea of writing Malex’s Thoughts just before releasing the episode. By that point I’ve generally forgotten everything relevant about the episode, and am reduced to the sort of written, irrelevant logorrhea that results in paragraphs like these.

Actually, one upside to all this extra work is that if I were to somehow die in a horrible accident, you all would still have months of new Malex Minute episodes to suffer through. And I would be looking down at you, laughing at your predicament.

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“Onward, men! Into the despair!”

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody, and welcome to the Malex Minute! I’m Malex and I’ll be your host for today. And what a stormy day it is!

Snufflefungus: (Very cheerful.) Hi everybody! Hi!

Malex: We’ve all been stuck inside for hours because of the heavy rain!

Snufflefungus: It’s so exciting! It looks like it’s nighttime outside, but it’s in the middle of the day!

Linus: I don’t know what you’re so happy about. We’re in grave danger every moment we sit here.

Malex: What on earth do you mean, Linus? The house is very good protection from the storm.

Snufflefungus: What about the lightning? It sounds more scary when it strikes than the rain does.

Malex: It sounds scary, but most likely the worst it’ll do to us is put the power out.

Linus: Ah, but I’m not talking about the storm. (Dramatic.) There are things outside the house! Lurking!

Snufflefungus: (Gasps.) Oh no! Aliens!

Malex: Oh don’t be silly. What sorts of things are you talking about, Linus?

Linus: Evil things! Malicious things! Spies, awaiting one false move on our part so that they can burst in and devour us all!

Snufflefungus: (Yelps.)

Malex: Oh for Heaven’s sake, settle down! What makes you think there are things outside planning to harm us?

Linus: I– I saw one!

Snufflefungus: I can’t look!

Linus: But I was only telling you about it.

Snufflefungus: Oh, right. Um… I can’t listen!

Malex: Linus, tell me what you saw.

Snufflefungus: (Humming so that he won’t hear.)

Linus: Alright. You see that bush out the window? (Redundantly dramatic.) It may look like a bush, but it’s really… a monster!

Malex: You mean that bush there? The one that I planted two years ago?

Linus: Yes!

Malex: Linus… (Non-plussed.) You really just– You need to try harder. I mean, we’re on the air, and you call that funny? You’re derailing the conversation, throwing a monkey wrench into the works just for the sake of throwing a monkey wrench, and it’s not even really that funny. It’s like… You’re just wasting everybody’s time.

Snufflefungus: (Cheerful.) But not my time! My time runs backward, so you can waste it all you want!

Linus: But it’s true!

Malex: (Sarcastic) Oh really?

Linus: Right now it’s on the right side of the window, but yesterday… (Redundantly dramatic.) it was in the middle! Don’t you see? It… moved!

Snufflefungus: Maybe it just wanted more sunlight!

Malex: No, I planted it on the right side, and lo and behold, it’s still there now.

Linus: In that case, it moved some time before yesterday. And today it’s moved back!

Malex: (Sarcastic.) It’s so simple. Why didn’t I think of that? Anyway, that doesn’t mean it’s a carnivorous beast plotting evil!

Linus: But just look at it… Stare into its branches… (Redundantly dramatic.) It’s planning to… eat us!

Snufflefungus: Wait a minute… (Genuine concern.) Linus, are you crazy?

Malex: I apologize for Linus’s behavior Ladies and Gentlemen. Perhaps a software update is in order. Or perhaps the lightning sent a surge through the data line.

Linus: Or perhaps there’s a carnivorous bush outside, and you’re too blind to see it!

Malex: I like my reasons better.

Linus: Meh!

Snufflefungus: Oh, good! I’m glad you’ve come to your senses Linus! Now we can go right along being best friends again!

Malex: Hey, you know what’s really fascinating? A storm knocked out the power right as we were trying to produce Malex Minute 054. And there was no storm, but a tree branch fell on a power line in Malex Minute 071! Also, Linus and Snufflefungus went out to the grocery store in Malex Minute 015! And–

Linus: What are you talking about?! All of the members of our audience either remember, or pointedly don’t care.

Malex: I thought you always denied the existence of any significant numbers of audience members. And now you’re suddenly their spokesman?

Linus: Well, yeah… Didn’t you get the memo?

Snufflefungus: Oh, I think I might have eaten that.

Malex: Snuffy, don’t you know better than to eat paper?

Snufflefungus: But Linus said it’s the only way to get certain vitamins and nutrients!

Linus: It’s an excellent source of Vitamin X-32.

Malex: Delightful. We have a bad example living in our home.

Linus: Hey. Another mouth to feed, another burr in your hair.

Snufflefungus: That’s right– Wait, what?

Malex: Moving on, we have a postcard from Malaysia in the mail. There’s no return address or signature, and I’m wondering if any of you know who it could be from.

Linus: Maybe it’s simply a wrong address. You know those tourists in Malaysia. They have difficulty grasping the strange new idea of addresses correlating to specific places and vice versa.

Snufflefungus: Oh that’s Jack! My friend who sends me a postcard every week! Last week he said not to expect anything from him because he was trying out cryogenic freezing.

Malex: But he did send something – he just didn’t write anything on it.

Snufflefungus: Creepy.

Linus: (Sighs.) He could’ve just prepared it in advance without having time to write anything on it! Maybe he asked a friend to drop it in the mail for him.

Snufflefungus: Oh. Right.

Bush: Roar! I’ve come to eat you all!

Snufflefungus: (Screams.)

Linus: The bush! It’s come to eat us all!

Malex: Oh no!

Linus: (Screams.)

Malex: Linus, quiet! Here, I’ll just grab it and drag it outside!

Bush: What? Put me down! No!

Snufflefungus: You were right all along, Linus!

Linus: I’m as shocked as the rest of you.

Malex: There. All taken care of.

Snufflefungus: You’re all wet now.

Malex: Ladies and Gentlemen, I think that’s all the time we have for today. Thank you all for listening and we hope you join us again next week for another exciting break from reality!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Peter Markley and Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to digifishmusic for use of the Rain Storm sound effect.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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