Malex’s Thoughts

I’ve never actually delivered papers myself, although I had a buddy who did. It always fascinated me to see the gigantic stacks of papers on his porch and hear him telling ghastly stories of setting off at horrifyingly early hours to deliver his wares in a timely manner.

However, I never heard of anything like what Snufflefungus is claiming. A county-wide paper route? Finishing in fifteen minutes?! That’s just crazy talk!

Snuffy’s behavior is so funny in this episode. It really says a lot about his character, actually. Snufflefungus is not evasive. Far from it! It’s just that he genuinely believes that you already know what he’s talking about, and evidence to the contrary surprises him.

It doesn’t help that Malex simply can’t stumble upon the ‘right’ question to ask. He seems to have a terrible knack for only asking questions that reveal nothing but further questions. In real life, this would be a severe character flaw. In the Malex Minute, it’s genuinely hilarious.

This episode is a first, in that the premise was thought up by my sister. She even took a stab at a draft or two, which helped out immensely.

We’ve been trying to get ahead on the Malex Minute production schedule for various reasons – primarily for our own sanity and peace of mind – so the help went a long way to almost giving my pathetic, blistering brain a five minute reprieve. Our new production schedule is so aggressive I’ve been forced to pull together a list of future episodes just to keep them all straight. The list includes upcoming episodes produced and planned, and documents what we’re doing for each as well as things like who’s doing what, when it’s getting done, and which holidays each episode happens to land near.

It’s all a bit surreal, in a wearying sort of way.

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“Water? Ha! Come back when you really know what it’s like to be thirsty!”

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody, and welcome to the Malex Minute!

Linus: (Sarcastically.) Hey everybody, and welcome to the stupid hour! Seriously Malex, I think we’re all tired of that line.

Malex: Linus, I’m not sure that’s appropriate.

Linus: No need to tell me I’m in the wrong. I’m not listening.

Malex: (Sarcastic.) You? Not listening? No!

Snufflefungus: Hey, Malex?

Malex: Yes, Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: Do you like piggy?

Malex: Uh, I suppose I do.

Snufflefungus: Linus, do you like my piggy?

Linus: You and your telekinesis! Your creepy mind powers! Stop waving that piggy bank in my face!

Snufflefungus: You’re avoiding the question. Do you like piggy?

Linus: I don’t know, let me see…

Snufflefungus: Here you go!

Linus: Whoa! That sucker’s heavy!

Snufflefungus: Yes, yes, but do you like him?

Linus: Well, it’s a ceramic pig full of money… apparently very full. What’s not to like?

Snufflefungus: So you like him?

Linus: Yes.

Snufflefungus: Good! I like him too. So it’s decided then.

Malex: Uh… What’s decided, exactly?

Snufflefungus: I’m not going to replace piggy. I’ll get ten new ones instead.

Linus: What?

Malex: Snufflefungus, why do you need ten new piggies?

Snufflefungus: Well this piggy’s full!

Malex: Full?

Linus: I’ll vouch for that.

Snufflefungus: I need space to keep all the money I earn.

Malex: I see. Well Snufflefungus, why don’t we start with one new piggy? That should be enough, shouldn’t it?

Snufflefungus: But I measured! I need ten new piggies!

Malex: I recognize this feeling. It’s panic and despair, they’re fighting for dominance in my frail, frail body.

Linus: But Snufflefungus, I con you out of your allowance every week! How do you have any money left at all?!

Snufflefungus: But–

Linus: And more to the point, why aren’t you sharing it with me?!

Malex: As horrifying as that new turn is, I’m more curious to know where you’re getting all this new money, Snuffy.

Snufflefungus: Well from my job, of course! Where else?

Malex: You have a job?!

Linus: When could you possibly find time to do any work? I putter around with you all day, and I know I’d remember if we accidentally ended up doing any work.

Malex: Snufflefungus, I’m– I’m still just trying to wrap my brains around this… How long have you had a job?

Snufflefungus: Almost eleven months!

Malex: (Sarcasm) Great, great. I’m so glad to discover that I am actually aware of everything going on under my own roof.

Linus: Buddy, you don’t know the half of it.

Snufflefungus: But Malex, delivering papers doesn’t happen under your roof!

Malex: Oh, you’re a paperboy? How relieving.

Linus: How mundane!

Snufflefungus: Please, we prefer to be known as “Paper Snufflefungi.” It’s the more politically-correct term.

Malex: Wait a minute, I don’t care what your job title is! Snufflefungus, why didn’t I know about this job of yours?!

Snufflefungus: But I thought you did know! I thought about it a lot, anyway…

Linus: So, paper delivery, huh?

Snufflefungus: Yes! I wake up precisely at four in the morning, get my papers, deliver them to my route, and get back in bed by four fifteen!

Malex: You get your whole route done in fifteen minutes?

Snufflefungus: If I want to get it done right.

Linus: (Extremely excited.) Malex, look in his room! He’s not kidding! It’s money from floor to ceiling!

Malex: Snuffy, delivering papers isn’t that profitable!

Snufflefungus: Yeah, the pay wasn’t so good at first. That was back when I was only doing one route. Then I worked my way up to delivering all of them!

Linus: What?

Malex: All of them?

Snufflefungus: I deliver every paper for the whole county!

Linus: How can you possibly deliver every paper for the whole county?!

Malex: More to the point, how can you possibly deliver every paper for the whole county in fifteen minutes?!

Snufflefungus: I send them with my mind!

Linus: What?!

Snufflefungus: I just say, “Go little papers, fly!” and they go!

Malex: That’s just baffling.

Snufflefungus: (Excited.) Isn’t it?!

Malex: Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I guess we’re done for today. Please excuse the madness, and come back again next week for the next episode of the Malex Minute!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Alex Markley and Leela

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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