Malex’s Thoughts

It seems Linus has some sort of deep-seated aversion to having fun unless it’s at another’s expense. This sort of attitude simply cannot be tolerated, so I wholeheartedly support any attempt by Malex and Snufflefungus to break it. But, to be honest, it seems more likely that Malex and Snufflefungus are just minding their own business, and any fun-related conspiracy exists only in Linus’s fertile imagination.

At this time, I’d like to break with tradition and cease talking about this episode. In fact, I’d like to stop talking about the Malex Minute altogether.

Have you ever noticed how simply marvelous window air conditioners are? We finally got one in the office, and it has singlehandedly made life bearable this summer.

Last season we were at the mercy of the tenants downstairs, who camp on the only thermostat for the whole building. Since heat rises, and these people apparently hail from the torrid region, you may logically infer that our office regularly spiked up to unbearable temperatures. To give you some idea, the heat last August utterly fried one of my hard drives, and I was not looking forward to repeating that experience.

So we snagged a cheap window air conditioner, modified it so it would fit in the tiny window, and set it running. Magic! Mid-low 70s all summer! I’m pretty sure even Solomon didn’t bask in this sort of opulent luxury.

You might be wondering how this relates to you. I could make some sort of stretch about how comfortable artists are happy artists and happy artists are prolific artists, but I won’t bother. This whole tirade had nothing whatever to do with you, and the sooner you come to terms with that, the sooner you’ll accept the fact that I just wasted the last thirty seconds of your life.

Sheesh.

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“If I could have anything I wanted? First I’d have infuriatingly inane questions like that one banned. Then, I’d exile the fools that repeat them to a desert island. …Oh, and if you ask what one thing you should take to your desert island, I’ll punch you in the face.”

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey there Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the Malex Minute!

Snufflefungus: Malex, what are we doing this episode?

Malex: Well I don’t really have anything. Do you have an idea, Snuffy?

Linus: Oh let’s make prank phone calls!

Malex: What? Linus, no.

Linus: Why not? Doing it on the air would be funny enough to justify it!

Malex: No it wouldn’t!

Snufflefungus: I was hoping we could–

Linus: Eww, how boring!

Malex: Why don’t we listen to Snufflefungus’s idea?

Linus: Because you know deep down that what you want to do is make prank phone calls.

Snufflefungus: Oh but I thought it would be better if we–

Linus: You thought wrong. Malex, follow your instincts! Listen to your inner desire!

Malex: I don’t believe I’m putting up with this.

Snufflefungus: But I had this idea of–

Linus: Oh, but–

Malex: Linus, shut up!

Snufflefungus: …You said earlier you would help me build my new birdhouse! Maybe we could do that for this episode!

Linus: I new I would regret being born as soon as you let him open his mouth! Wake me up when life carries on.

Malex: Snuffy, I think that sounds like a great idea. Why don’t you bring the kit here and unpack it?

Snufflefungus: Yay!

Linus: Oh my gosh! Are you actually going to do this on the show?

Malex: Well it’s not like you had a better idea. Besides, it might add a little something to the Malex Minute, ya’ know? Like an informational type deal.

Snufflefungus: Here we are!

Linus: Oh, please… What information could be less informational than how to build a useless box of wood that sits in your backyard to be infested by wild animals?

Malex: Well alright, maybe not informational exactly. But a fun how-to kind of thing!

Linus: There’s something you haven’t thought of. What if people find getting sick all over the place more fun?

Snufflefungus: Here are the square boards of wood. Are you supposed screw this one to this one?

Malex: No, this one fits in between.

Linus: Here’s a how-to for you, “How to make prank phone calls to delight your friends and offend your neighbors. Learn from Linus in ten easy steps!”

Malex: Linus, would you do me a favor and hand me that screwdriver?

Linus: No! I won’t do it! (Brief pause. Then, grudgingly.) Here…

Malex: Thanks, Linus.

Linus: Don’t get used to what I just did. It was very counter to my nature.

Snufflefungus: This is so fun! I bet the birds outside will be very happy to see it when it’s finished.

Malex: I bet they will, Snuffy!

Snufflefungus: There, it’s all screwed together!

Malex: The next step is to paint it! Linus, would you get the paint from over there?

Linus: Another errand? This is getting to be a habit with you people!

Malex: It’s just a few things. It won’t hurt you.

Linus: And how exactly is this going to entertain me? I won’t do it unless I’m guaranteed to have some fun!

Malex: You could derive some satisfaction from a job well done.

Snufflefungus: Yeah, like me! This is so fun!

Linus: I dunno how you guys can entertain yourselves with this drop dead boring process… Say, let me help paint!

Snufflefungus: I was thinking of using a technique to paint it similar to my Miscommunication painting since you said it didn’t look so good on the canvas.

Linus: Eh? I don’t follow you. It looks bad, so you’re going to try the same thing again?

Snufflefungus: Well I thought it might look better on the side of a birdhouse!

Linus: (Verbal cringe.) No! You’re talking international incident here. The bad kind. What you need is a modern sleek look to your birdhouse.

Snufflefungus: Sleek look?

Malex: Linus, do we really need a “sleek” look? I mean, it’s just a birdhouse…

Linus: I’m just trying to prevent you guys from creating a dire travesty of style. The world would have talked about us behind our backs. It would have been awful.

Malex: Whatever you say.

Linus: Ooh! What do you think of this design, Snuffy?

Snufflefungus: Oh, I like that look! Let’s paint it like that!

Linus: (Excited) Okay!

Snufflefungus: There’s blue and white. Do you want to paint blue? Or white?

Linus: Why, I don’t know. I can hardly choose! Blue? No, white!

Snufflefungus: Okay! I’ll do blue!

Linus: Be careful, we want to make it look like the picture.

Snufflefungus: Oh, Linus, it’s amazing!

Linus: I know, aren’t I the best?

Malex: Well, Linus, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you having so much fun.

Linus: (Gasps.) Fun?! (Roars.) You tricked me! I was supposed to be having good, quality fun by now, making prank calls and causing mischief, and look what you made me do!

Snufflefungus: But Linus, we are having quality fun! Look!

Malex: Linus, it’s okay to enjoy yourself doing non-destructive things now and again. People won’t look down on you for it.

Linus: I’m not speaking to you anymore.

Malex: Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I guess that’s all the time we have for today. We hope you enjoyed listening, and will join us again next week for another great Malex Minute!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Peter Markley and Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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