Malex’s Thoughts

So here it is: Malex Minute 138!

One can never tell what exactly will happen in a Malex Minute episode. The story is like an untamed stallion, anxious to buck off anyone silly enough to try and ride it to its conclusion. I think you’ll find that to be particularly true in this episode.

Suffice to say, this episode involves a gargantuan pile of leaves and a vengeful city government. You’ll have to listen for yourself if you want to know the rest.

On another note, I’ve been so busy with web site development and related shenanigans for the past couple of weeks, I’ve barely even noticed those weeks ticking by. And yet, every Friday a new Malex Minute episode lands in my lap like an unexpected gift. And every Friday I get a wave of joy as I ceremoniously deliver it to you, the public at large.

It’s all thanks to my brothers, really. Without them I would never have been able to take the time off from the Malex Minute to work on critical things like the new site. Even with every new episode pre-produced until the end of November, my brothers do an incredible amount of work to keep this ball rolling every week. I’m sure they’d appreciate your hearty thanks. Or a lovely cake. With sprinkles.

As a final point of interest, I don’t believe it’s possible to climb up a chimney with a ladder. Even assuming the chimney was large enough, it just wouldn’t be possible to cram the ladder up through the fireplace. That is, unless you didn’t have a floor. And then you’d have a whole different set of problems.

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“Yes, I know it doesn’t work! Can’t you see the bright side to anything?”

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Malex: Welcome to the Malex Minute, Ladies and Gentlemen! I’m Malex, and I’ll be hosting the show.

Linus: Hey Malex, the house is buried in leaves.

Malex: Linus, stop exaggerating.

Linus: No seriously, Snufflefungus is having fun jumping off the roof into them, then climbing right back onto the roof from the leaves.

Malex: Oh my.

Linus: We need to set the leaves on fire, board up the doors and windows, and pray.

Malex: Do I have a track record of ever listening to your ideas?

Linus: Malex, this time… It’s the only way.

Malex: Well, seriously, how bad can it be?

Linus: Look out the window!

Malex: Hmm. Well, I see only leaves. But still, that doesn’t mean there are as many as you say.

Linus: Well then, Doubting Jerry, why don’t you skeptically waltz right out the front door and see how bad it is with your own eyes?

Malex: I think I will. (Grunts with exertion.) I’ll just– For crying out loud, the outer door won’t budge!

Linus: (Sarcastically.) Gee, I wonder why.

Snufflefungus: That was so fun! I’m coming in for a break. Malex can we make sure the leaves stay like this all year long?

Malex: I don’t think that’s possible Snuffy. They’ll start rotting and eventually turn into soil.

Snufflefungus: Oh, I have an invention in my mad scientist laboratory that can reverse that! I call it… the Decomposter.

Malex: But I don’t want the house covered in leaves at all, let alone all the time. There would be all manner of unsavory creatures and smells!

Linus: We’re already developing those problems.

Malex: Besides, that huge pile is completely blocking the front door! How did you get in, anyway?

Snufflefungus: I came down the chimney! It was fun!

Linus: It looks like he stuffed some leaves down first to cushion his landing.

Snufflefungus: It’s a wonderland out there! I just love jumping in leaves!

Linus: Yeah, yeah. It’s all fun and games until somebody discovers a slug! You’re jumping around and having a blast, and then, without warning, you have a slug in your face!

Snufflefungus: (Squeals.) I don’t like slugs in my face!

Linus: And then, in your panicked flailing you get slug juice in your eyes, nose, and even your mouth!

Snufflefungus: Slugs should stay away from faces! It’s better for everybody that way.

Malex: (Musing.) I wonder how all those leaves got there, anyway? They’re certainly not all from the few trees in our yard.

Snufflefungus: Oh, a big truck came by earlier and dropped a whole load of them off!

Malex: What?!

Snufflefungus: I went over to say hi, and it was the mayor driving the truck! I couldn’t believe my eyes!

Malex: Where does that little toady get off dumping leaves in our yard?!

Snufflefungus: He said they were all little blemishes from the city’s picture-perfect lawns. And they decided to punish us for persistently violating the home maintenance code by giving us all the leaves! I don’t see how it’s that much of a punishment, but to each his own!

Malex: Wait a minute, since when have we been in violation of the city’s home maintenance code?

Snufflefungus: Since we stopped mowing our lawn, according to the mayor.

Malex: I mow our lawn every week!

Snufflefungus: The neighbors mow twice a week. That mayor, he likes his comparisons!

Malex: This is ridiculous!

Linus: I told you not to vote for him last year, Malex. Didn’t I tell you he would bury us in his useless waste?

Malex: Actually, that was terrifyingly prophetic. But anyway, I didn’t vote for him!

Linus: That’s what you say with your mouth, but your eyebrows tell a different story!

Malex: We still have to decide what to do about the leaves outside.

Linus: I’m telling you, we have to sell the house and just move away. Far, far away from all the leaves! And fascist city governments! And suffering! And disease! And–

Malex: Snuffy, does your Decomposter have a reverse setting? That is to say, it can convert soil back into leaves, but can it convert leaves quickly to soil?

Snufflefungus: Yep!

Linus: Oh no! Malex, what’s going on in that creepy, mysterious little head of yours?

Malex: Well theoretically–

Linus: Whatever it is, I’m against it!

Malex: Theoretically, the soil – being much more dense than a pile of leaves – would be of a much lower volume at the same mass!

Linus: I’m against it!

Malex: Of course you are.

Snufflefungus: (Excited.) Yes! That would work! (Thoughtful.) At least, I think it would. (Excited again.) We can give it a try!

Malex: What are we waiting for? Let’s do it! Snuffy, you get your Decomposter. I’ll get a ladder so we can climb up the chimney.

Snufflefungus: Okay!

Linus: I’m coming along out of curiosity, but don’t let that distract you from the fact that I’m strongly opposed this course of action!

~~ On the roof…

Linus: We’re too high up! I want to go back down!

Malex: So… How does this ‘Decomposter’ work?

Snufflefungus: You just point it at the leaves and pull the trigger!

Malex: Okay, here goes!

~~ Malex fires the Decomposter.

Malex: What? Slugs?!

Snufflefungus: What? Oh no! I must’ve made a miscalculation! Slipped a digit in my math!

Malex: Every single leaf turned into a gigantic slug!

Linus: It’s– It’s so… Gross!

Malex: There’s too much slug! It’s spilling over the city like a wave!

Linus: Great! Malex, don’t you realize that our house is no match for the Army’s bombs?! All the city has to do is tattle on us and we’re history!

Malex: But it– It was just an accident! It wasn’t an act of war!

Linus: Just try explaining that to the mayor when he confronts you with that cow-eyed look of betrayal on his face! He had a dream… A dream that every house in his city could be radically conformed to a standard of beauty that would make him look like an artist to the mayors of all the neighboring cities! And you – you – had to ruin it!

Malex: Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope that’s all the time we have for today. Thank you for listening, and we hope you join us again next week for more Malex Minute!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Peter Markley and Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to Soarer for use of the North Sea sound effect.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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