Malex’s Thoughts

Halloween is in the air! Can’t you feel it? It’s in the bite of the chilly air! It’s in the wave of terror as darkness consumes the land! Actually, that could all be due to the impending election… But still, Halloween is tonight!

Halloween is the one time our culture, as a whole, is ready and willing to embrace spiritual things. Problem is, it seems like we’re only interested in embracing terrible spiritual things. Things traditionally thought of as devious, antagonistic, and generally creepy.

You don’t agree? How else do you explain the sudden proliferation of witches, ghosts, goblins, and other monstrous phenomenon on every street in every suburb across the entire country? (And, I have on good authority, in the United Kingdom as well!)* Lord knows we don’t find ourselves inundated by angels on Easter, so the imbalance is pretty plain.

Snufflefungus, like many children, probably assumed Halloween was an innocent playtime fraught with candy and fun dress-up games. Well, I think it’s safe to say he’s learned his lesson.

Lots of fun in this episode as well as the next. Hope you enjoy it!

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“Nothing will ever get so bad that change can’t make it worse.”

* - My source wishes to remain anonymous to avoid incurring the wrath of the demons.

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Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody, welcome to–

Linus: It’s Halloween! Everybody’s favorite holiday, filled with candy and mischief!

Malex: And questionable spiritual interaction.

Linus: Oh please, this is the twenty-first century! If there ever was any danger from spirits, there certainly isn’t now!

Snufflefungus: I hope you’re right! I wouldn’t want any demons knocking on the door, asking for candy.

Malex: I think we’ll be okay, Snuffy. Say, are we all ready for trick-or-treat this year?

Snufflefungus: I have the candy right here! We have chocolate-covered candy, candy-covered chocolate, candies with peanut butter, candies without peanut butter, pure marshmallows for the weird kids, and a loaded paintball gun for if things get out of hand!

Malex: Great! Sounds like we’re all set. And with any luck, we can avoid the horrible disaster from last year.

~~ The doorbell rings.

Snufflefungus: Ooh! Our first trick-or-treater! (Opens door.)

Kids: Trick or treat!

Snufflefungus: Here you go, kids! (Closes door.) They seemed so nice!

Linus: So anyway, Malex. The presidential election is coming up!

Malex: Yes, yes it is.

Linus: So who are you voting for? President Anchorman or Brian McPopular?

Malex: Are you kidding? Of course I’m voting for Brian McPopular. President Anchorman has been a terrible president, and I’m ready for change.

Snufflefungus: And I’m ready for a dollar and change!

Linus: I have to agree with you. President Anchorman hasn’t spoken a single coherent sentence during his entire presidency!

Malex: That’s true. But really, that’s not the big problem for me. I don’t mind if a president isn’t eloquent. I don’t even have a problem with a president who genuinely struggles to communicate. I’m mostly just one of those people who blame the president for everything that goes wrong, and can’t wait to see him go at the end of his term.

Snufflefungus: But Malex! That’s completely unreasonable!

Malex: Yeah.

~~ The doorbell rings.

Snufflefungus: Another trick-or-treater! (Opens door.)

Man: Trick or treat.

Snufflefungus: Have a candy! (Closes door.) (Excited.) That wasn’t a kid at all!

Linus: Well I’m excited about Brian McPopular. He sounds like a great guy.

Malex: Yeah, I’m all for getting him elected.

~~ The doorbell rings.

Snufflefungus: Another trick-or-treater! (Opens door.)

Kid: Trick or treat!

Snufflefungus: (Gasps) It’s Ultra-Snuffy! How did you get out of the mirror?!

Kid: I made this costume myself, you like it?

Snufflefungus: (Relieved.) Whew. (Excited.) Yes! I like it very much! Have candy! (Closes door.) He was wearing an Ultra-Snuffy costume, Malex!

Malex: I saw that!

Linus: It was even charming, in a not-charming-at-all sort of way.

~~ The doorbell rings.

Snufflefungus: I’ll get it! (Opens door.)

Demon: (Screams.) Candy!

Snufflefungus: Oh no! Demons!

Linus: (Yelling.) Close the door! Close the door!

~~ Door slams shut.

Malex: So, still think there isn’t any danger from spirits in the twenty-first century?

Linus: Hush!

Snufflefungus: I’ll make a sign! Quick! Before more demons come!

Malex: So, what were you saying Linus? About Brian McPopular?

Linus: Oh, just, it’s almost uncanny how much I agree with him. It’s like all his opinions are the same as mine.

Malex: I feel the same way! Isn’t it great?

Snufflefungus: There! What do you think?

Linus: It says, “No Candy for Demons.”

Malex: It’s just poster board, it’s not going to keep the demons out.

Snufflefungus: We have to try!

Linus: I think it’s a great idea. We just need to be up front and clear. No candy for demons. They’ll understand.

Malex: I hope so.

~~ Snufflefungus puts the sign on the front of the door.

Snufflefungus: There! The sign is posted!

Linus: Great! Now we just need to–

~~ A thumping and skittering sound.

Snufflefungus: Oh no! More demons!

Malex: (Gasps.) Did you just see a shadow pass by the window?!

Linus: Leave us alone, foul creatures of the night! Didn’t you see the sign?!

Malex: Ah! It’s on the roof!

Snufflefungus: (Afraid.) Halloween is bad!

Linus: Is it coming down the chimney?!

~~ Something tumbles down the chimney.

President Anchorman: My word, that was awfully chimney. I expect you’ll dismiss your sweep for the evening.

Malex: President Anchorman?! What are you doing here?

Linus: And why did you come down the chimney?

President Anchorman: I saw a sign on your door. It said, “No Candy for Demons,” so naturally I took it to mean that presidential candidates must use a different entrance.

Snufflefungus: Naturally!

Malex: Mr. President, please, just tell us why you’re here.

President Anchorman: It’s a disaster, young dollop. The cake is only the tip of the iceberg, if only they could see.

Malex: Yes, I’m quite sure that’s fascinating. But why are you here?

President Anchorman: I require the services of one Ultra-Snuffy! Or two, if you have an extra.

Snufflefungus: You need Ultra-Snuffy?!

President Anchorman: Yes I do, in the most dire way. You see, I am going to lose this upcoming election by an avalanche, but only by trickery and deceit.

Linus: Oh, that’s–

President Anchorman: I need you, Ultra-Snuffy, to make me popular!

Malex: Don’t you just hate it when they say, “To be continued?”

Linus: Well, to be continued! So there!

Snufflefungus: Tune in next time to find out what happens!

President Anchorman: You’ll be guaranteed to hear a storm approaching. And that storm is my jaunty collar.

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.

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